Backsliding

The problem with over eating is that you do it for the dumbest reasons. Some people can't eat when they are stressed. Some people can't eat when they are overly tired.

I, unfortunately can eat anytime. Upset, pass me a sweet. Unhappy, let's load up some carbs. having a wonderful time, add in alcohol and clean those plates off.

Yesterday started out well and then went South. Actually waaaay south. To Hell in the proverbial handbasket.

So, I fixed them all I tells ya! I ate. And ate. And ate. And...well, you get the picture.

I don't know if there is enough Apidexin in the whole world to fix this.

I walk a pretty fine chemical line with my anti-depressants. I forgot to take them Wednesday and slept at Wonderful daughter's last night without my pills (or C-pap machine) so I was out of sorts.

Add in a few outside pressures and boom. Calorie-fest.

Last night, after the BBQ, I was questioned about the "Fifth Sparrow" moniker I have adopted. It's pretty tough to explain that, because you have to continually remind yourself that you are of value, you relate to that 5th little bird. Dredges up some serious crud I tells ya!

I think it's not totally me, it's the chemical imbalance in my brain but wow-ee some days are hard.

Dawn asked how my relationship with my mother and sister is these days. I can tell you in one word.

Non-existent.

I have an older sister, a half sister who is 6 years younger and a half brother who is 8 years younger. None of them want anything to do with me.

They have taken my inventory, found me sadly lacking and cast me aside. We don't speak.

The second last time I saw my mother, she assaulted me with intent. She clawed up my throat as she tried to choke me and gouge my eyes with her thumbs.

I don't recall the last time I saw my older sister. Hmmmm, no clue. It's been a lot of years. She skipped my beloved great grandmother's funeral. And I only find out when other family passes away if I read the obituaries for our small hometown. No one calls to tell me.

My younger sister came to my home approximately 10 years ago to pick up a car I gave her in exchange for a dollar.

No clue when I saw my brother last.

I have never met 1 of my 2 nephews or 2 of my 3 nieces. When I celebrated Christmas, they wouldn't invite us or, if they did, there would be no presents for my children although there was an avalanche of gifts for my niece.

I read about families. I see families. How dysfunctional they are. All the fighting and drama. All the turmoil. They fight, they make up. They laugh and cry. They talk about each other, they choose sides, they work out their weird dynamic.

I see my friend's families. How they do all that and work it out, somehow, eventually. My siblings and mom do that. Just not with me.

I'm not even worth that to my family. They do not want me. Period.

I made my choice. I went to BC at age 12 and lived with my dad. I abandoned them and for that, I was cast out.

And, like I said. It was worth it. Like Groucho Marx said, "I don't want to join a club that would have me as a member."

Seriously, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes.

So, I struggle. With chemicals, with emotions, with life.

Once, years ago, when I was crying over it, I rhetorically asked WD, "What is wrong with me, that my own mother doesn`t love me?!"

And her wise answer, at age 12, "What's wrong with you? What the heck is wrong with a mother who can't love her own child?"

This sounds like a pity party but it's not. I have a great group of friends. They are my family. Handpicked and cherished.

And I have my marriage of 29 years, Wonderful Daughter, her boys and my son, his wife and now, a new granddaughter.

So I have it all, really!

I don't know if this post even makes sense but, hey, you should be used to me by now!