The 5th Sparrow

Part 3 - The Beginning of The End

2010-08-04T08:35:00.016-06:00

Old Sister had taken over all the funeral arrangements. Just as she did when our dad died when I was 18. At that time, she arranged for a priest from the Greek Orthodox church to conduct his service. This was despite the fact my dad also wasn't particularly religious but did have leanings toward either A) the Mormon church or B) Garner Ted Armstrong's Worldwide Church of God. . The airport was snowed in, so no one from Alberta could make it to B.C. where the funeral was held. She had him buried, although he had hated the thought of rotting in a box and had always said he wanted to be cremated. The priest had no real clue who he was talking about as evidenced by his request we all "bow our heads in a moment of silent prayer for Mr. Mixed-Up-Name". Yes, he completely jumbled the 3 syllables of our surname.

It was an interesting service though. I'm torn between the eulogy for a man he was completely unfamiliar with or Old Sister's impromptu speech about Hallowe'en pranks Dad pulled as a kid for my favourite part. It was a nice service though. The casket was a bit elaborate in my humble opinion, but maybe I'm just bitter because the very first thing the Nameless Man and I did when we got married at age 19 was assume the debt to pay off the thousands still owed for dad's service. Yep. that's right. She staged an elaborate service and then stiffed the funeral home for the bill. It took us several years at $325 per month to pay it all off. Great way to start married life together doncha think?

.....Okay, here's the deal. I had this huge post drafted and then Wonderful Daughter, a.k.a. Jiminy Cricket pointed out it was very bitter. Caustically bitter.

However, that's not the post you are going to get. Suffice it to say, Old Sister opened the funeral with a joke. And it went rapidly downhill from there. Apparently her and her live-in have contests over My Mom is Crazier Than Your Mom. So, we got to hear all about the roving bands of lesbians that supposedly pursued my mom around in later years. Erm, ???... This is a funeral talk?

When we got back to "normal" later much, much later...My mom was lauded for her generosity and kindness.

Funny, when I got pregnant as an unwed teen (a situation both her and my Old Sister had found themselves in) she said, "Don't even think about coming home." Funnily enough, Old Sis got support and help. Mom drove an hour into town every week to provide her with anything she needed.

She only offered support to accompany me into the delivery room when I confessed how terrified I was of the birthing process. She was a nursing aide and I don't know nuthin' about birthing no babies.... The day I went into labour, I called to tell her it was Go Time. Alas, she couldn't drive in from the ranch that day. She had "floors to wash". So I, at age 17 gave birth completely alone with a little Vietnamese girl shrieking out her own terror in the very next bed. This was March 10th. My best girlfriend stood by my side as I signed the adoption papers a week later. My dad had died February 23rd, (3 weeks before I gave birth) and I was on. my. own.

Better, when we celebrated Christmas with them, one year there was gifts, mountains of gifts for my niece and not one thing for my two kids. They were 5 and 3 at the time. It was an awkward drive home to say the least. Oh, and our last Christmas with them.

My niece was always at my mom's. She would stay for days on end. Old Sis needed a break doncha know? When I had my youngest, he weighed 10lb 4 oz (ouch right?!) and I had over 100 stitches. She promised when I was released, Wonderful Daughter (who was 2 1/2 yrs old) and I could come and stay a few days with her until the Nameless Man finished the night shift rotation he was currently on. Guess what happened? She was "too tired" so I packed up my kids and went home to do it all on my own.

Lastly, when Old Sis had any kind of medical procedure or even just a serious test, my dear, kind and generous Mom would put everything else on hold and rush to sit by her side until the crisis had passed. I, on the other hand, had a total hysterectomy at age 28 and she couldn't even come visit me, let alone sit any kind of vigil at my side. Oh, and she lived in the same city as we did by this time... I guess it should have been no big surprise, she hadn't come to see me during any of the 4 or 5 surgeries that led up to the hysterectomy.

To sit there at her service while she was held up as some shining example of kindness and generosity*...puhleeze!

Proofreading this, it occurs to me, Wonderful Daughter seems to have been right, but also oh, so wrong.... Bitter? Bitter doesn't even scratch the surface.

* All of these events happened to me before she was considered mentally ill

Part 2 - Where I am Contacted and Reach Out

2010-08-03T22:13:00.028-06:00

So, my son and daughter in law have gone home now and I have time to post again. Today I slept nearly 14 hours and awoke with a migraine. Over the past week I haven't been averaging more than 5 hours of sleep a night. Possibly it's stress... I'm sure I'll survive.

Back to the saga... I was away from home all day Tuesday, getting Tikki groomed and working from WD's house. When I arrived at her home, she shamefacedly told me my Great Aunt had, in fact, left a voice mail for me on Sunday, but with all the drama the Soon to Be Ex caused on Friday it had slipped her mind. The way things were left on Friday, we thought we had to be in family court at 8:30 a.m. Monday to thwart his latest court move for no rules involved access to the grandboys. Since he didn't see them for 18 months after the judge decided he needed rules to prevent him from leaving the country with Dom, we need to make sure there is structure and it is followed.

Wonderful Daughter doesn't have free long distance in her new place so I wasn't able to call back my Great Aunt until that evening. She had been trying to reach me, as had Long Lost Little Sister who had come by my condo but couldn't get in. You can't leave a message if you ring the buzzer and she had mislaid my unlisted number. Great Aunt (did I mention I adore her?!) wouldn't give out my number to her just in case I didn't want her contacting me again. So, they did try to reach me and the "hurt on my behalf" tone my Heinous Mother In Law had adopted was unwarranted after all.

By the time I was able to talk to my family, they had cremated Mom that afternoon. Outside the funeral home, my oldest sister who is MEGA HEINOUS asked one of my single, Mormon cousins if she "was still Mormon?". When assured yes, Girl Cousin was still Mormon, Old Sister said, "Oh I just wondered since I see your picture on FaceBook in bars all over the world." Um, and this is your concern why? Older Sister is also a baptised Mormon but hasn't lived up to her dedication in any way, shape or form.

I guess Old Sister is under the impression one cannot obtain soda or virgin cocktails in bars. Girl Cousin has travelled all over and has quite enjoyed getting to meet and socialize with people in various settings, including bars. Whether she drinks demon rum or other spirits is of no interest to me. I have my own dedication to try and live up to.

Old Sister then moved on in her conversation and informed all those present she was now employed at an STD clinic and could give Girl Cousin a discount if she said the code word Zorro when calling in. WTH?! They cremated Mom not 20 minutes ago and she's shilling for business?

She also proudly related how she had cleverly entered into the computer the information of a new patient with the surname of Bates as "Master" _____ Bates.
How droll! I wonder just how long it took her to come up with that one? She also filled in the blank first name herself by wittily substituting my Long Lost Sister's husband's name into the blank. This was in front of my Little Sister. I'm glad I missed it since I would have been tempted to smack her. I see she hasn't improved with age.

Back at the teeny tiny condo, I decided I would let my son know about the passing of his grandmother and her funeral even though I was sure he wouldn't want to come down from St. Albert for it. He had a right to know, of course. There have been many, many deaths in my family where I didn't find out until well after the fact. My step father's mom, my mother's grandma (who raised her until age 8...at least I assume she is dead since she would now be over 100) and I'm pretty sure my great uncle Frank to name just a few. I didn't see great aunt Rita at Mom's funeral but didn't want to ask what could have been an awkward question.

Ah yes, you say, but you have been in quasi-hiding for all these years. How were they to contact you? carrier pigeon? Well, guess what? Several relatives died back when we were all still trying to have a relationship and they still didn't bother to let me know. It's fairly humiliating to ask, "How's Grandma?" only to be informed she died 8 months ago. I can only imagine what the rest of the family thought when I was a no-show at so many services. Also, everyone knows my in-laws, particularly since they have all been friends at least since the Nameless Man and I attended Grade One together and the in-laws have kept the same listed phone number for over 30 years. So, if they did wish to reach me, it wasn't really all that hard. I just maintained the illusion I was hidden away to disguise the pain of their rejection. My Heinous MIL has visited my mom many times over the past 5 years.

To my surprise, my son and his wife and baby decided to drive down and stay with us. I was so touched and pleased they came to support me. It was nice to have all my immediate family by my side as I renewed aquaintances with my extended family.
Their little girl is 14 months old and she's a cutie. I quite enjoyed getting a chance to bond with her. After a rocky beginning, her and Tikki became such good friends that when her own daddy tried to get after her, Tikki growled his displeasure his little buddy was being spoken to. At one point, Wonderful Daughter leaned over to stop her from doing something bad and Tikki leapt at her! I'm sure the baby loved me for me though, and not just because I have (the illusion) of control over the dog. Uh huh, sure...that's it.

Next (and final) installment: The Service

Part 1: Where I Renounce My Luddite Faith

2010-07-31T07:29:00.026-06:00

Many who know me in real life are aware of my hatred of the phone. I own a great cell phone, but it (hopefully) lies in a drawer somewhere in the teeny tiny condo, gathering dust. I never carry it. Mainly because I never charge it. Which is mainly because then I might lose my focus and accidentally answer it and I'm convinced if I did, it would inevitably be my Heinous MIL asking the same irritating question she always goes right up my nose with, "Where are you?"

Um, "Busy?"

I also have been in quasi-hiding (don't ya love the way I keep making up words?) from my own family for about 15 years or so. After the recent failed attempt to start a relationship with my Long Lost Little Sister, I felt that decision had been justified.

My home phone has always been unlisted. They had no idea where I worked or what I did for a living. Let's face it, they had no interest in finding me but anytime I had dealings with them, there was always so much DRAMA involved it just wasn't worth it. The roles were always cast the same way. I was the Villan and they must band together to thwart my evil machinations.

My mother (who will we discuss later) once decided I had stolen a horse head brooch she got as a gift from a dear friend. Despite my assertations I had no clue what she was talking about, she accused me for years of having stolen this brooch. Don't misunderstand, most of my family are such thieves they would make Ali Baba and his 40 cohorts look like rank amateurs but I am not a thief. When I asked about the brooch approximately 15 years later, she said she had found it in the pocket of a suitcase. No word of an apology to me mind you, but it had been found.

Back to the phones. Although we run our cleaning business out of the teeny tiny condo, I love to forward the phones on the weekend to Wonderful Daughter so she can deal with, well, everything. I also live in a security building, so unless I buzz you in, you can`t come knock on my door. This is not a great neighbourhood so you usually can`t even follow someone through the door without being asked to wait to be properly buzzed in.

Last weekend, I forwarded the phones to WD. Truth be told, I probably forwarded them on Thursday. So I was pretty much inaccessible. Which was the way I like it. Which is what came back to bite me in the butt... big time.

My mother died Sunday. And no one could reach me. Until Tuesday. Because of other weekend drama involving Wonderful Daughter, my GrandBoys and WD`s soon to be Ex.

Tuesday morning, my now unforwarded home phone rang first thing in the morning. I was sleeping. My Heinous MIL was at the other end. When I asked,`What`s up?`She said she had just called to tell me she was sorry to hear about my mom. She had just read her obituary in the paper.

I was a little hurt my Long Lost Little Sister hadn`t called to tell me but wasn`t too concerned. I mean, what could I do about it? No matter what the situation, I wasn`t going to be called on to help make arrangements so really, did it matter no one called? I assumed the one great aunt, (who I ADORE!!) I talk to was on holidays because I knew she would have called me.

I left a message for Wonderful Daughter to tell her and inexplicably, when I said `My mom is dead.`I began to cry on her voice mail.

Then, I left to drive Tikki across town to his new groomers. Of course I got hopelessly lost and was 1- 1/4 hours late getting him there. And, since I don`t carry a cell phone I couldn`t even call her to let her know I was lost (and possibly get some directions). BTW, Luddites believe Tom-Tom and GPS are the work of the Devil.

To Be Continued

Bummed

2010-06-15T20:11:00.003-06:00

Hi guys, I didn't forget about you. I have been busy and I have been bummed out.

After we didn't need her to help move, I never heard from my long-lost little sister again.

I left a message regarding the change in plan for the move and then in the following 10 days, left 2 or 3 more messages.

And I heard back... Nada. That was May 18th.

So, here I am again, heart hanging out, feelings royally hurt, crapped all over by my "family".

On the positive side, my new medication is working out quite well !! So, who knows, maybe I will become a mentally healthy, world-famous blogger who seeks out a new loving family. Nyah, Nyah! Don't worry, I'll never forget the little people...tee hee hee.

On that note, Leah gave me a cool award that totally lifted my spirits. I need to update the blogs I follow since hers is a great one. If you like uplifting photography and intriguing fiction...this is a must see.

Thanks Leah! I needed that!

Nervous, Pussycat? YEP!

2010-05-30T16:20:00.008-06:00

That is a little inside joke in our family.
It's from the Tweety cartoons I think... the sweet little bird has pushed every last one of the evil puddy tat's buttons and then, when he is ready toliterally jump outof his skin, sweetly inquires, "Nervous Pussycat?" and he yelps, "YEP!"
Although... I can't be remembering this correctly or the question would be, "Nervous PuddyTat?"
Great, now this will drive me crazy...wonder if I can look up the answer on Wiki?

Anyhoo, the point of this post, yes, there is a point... is that I am on yet another antidepressant as part of my never-ending search for the right one.

This one doesn't sedate you though. And how sad is it I had no clue I was being sedated?
This one makes you more anxious (high-strung thankyouverymuch). More aniety I certainly don't need but it seems there is always a trade-off. The best drug I was ever on, the one that worked the best for me was pulled from the market due to liver toxicity.

So, this latest one, I began 2 weeks ago and just had a follow-up visit with the doctor on Friday.

I told him it seems a bit better but I am struggling a bit. I'm pretty snappy and quick on the lip. My poor family has been bearing the brunt. Them and other drivers on the road.

As an interesting side effect, I get the feeling I am being bitten by insects, like a spider bite, as I try to fall asleep.
He assured me this is because of prior liver damage from hepatitis and drug interaction and not because my home has been overun with bugs. He has ordered a bunch of tests.

Should be interesting. I sure hope he knows what he is doing since the last scrip gave me such bad chest pains I was scared out of my remaining wits. It would be nice to feel good for a change...

A Thousand Apologies! A Moving Tale.

2010-05-27T00:15:00.011-06:00

I didn't mean to duck out on you all.

Wonderful Daughter was scheduled to move house on the 22nd of May. However, she got really really sick in the weeks leading up to it so I ended up going to stay with her to help out with the boys and her overall life.

Her internet had been cut off too early so I had no way to post and no time or energy either, truth be told. I really don't know how she does it all. More on that later...

She is now staying with her grandparents for the short term while trying to get into more affordable housing. Yes, that's right...she is living in the home of the Heinous MIL. The good news is, MIL is still in Saskatchewan, or back in Saskatchewan, depending on how you look at it.

However, her Heinousness did phone home earlier this week and inform WD she must insist WD answer the house phone. Which she declined since A) she is not a secretary, B) is already usually busy answering our business line and C) reserves the right to screen calls, mainly from guess who?

Then, the Royal Heinosity informed WD she would like her to go choose some nice earth tones and paint all the interior walls in her home. Why not, right? I mean all Wonderful Daughter has to do with her life is raise two little boys, drive one child across the city each morning to be in school for 8 a.m., run our business, work at some cleaning jobs, plan and cook all the meals, clean the house for herself, her kids and her grandfather while also maintaining her attendance at 5 meetings for worship each week and having a semblance of a social life. Painting an entire house isn't really too much to ask now, is it? BTW, Wonderful Daughter also is paying rent and buying her own groceries while she is in residence so it's not a free loading type of arrangement.

Back to the Move:

The packing and moving went well and we accomplished a lot in between her bouts of nausea and other stuff I am probably not supposed to mention. She has never been so ill in all her life though. We had all our plans carefully laid and lots of people lined up to help out. Penelope was even going to bring some of her fabulous baking for a coffee break.

Then... Grandpa got involved in the move. First, he decided he and the Nameless Man should take all the stuff WD and the boys needed at his house over there on Thursday evening. No problem, makes sense.
Then, he decided the two of them should take all her boxes to the storage facility on Friday morning, instead of leaving them for the 4 strong young university students WD had hired for Saturday morning. So, they did.
However, once they got to the storage facility, they decided the unit WD had booked was too small so they upgraded to the largest unit (at twice the price).

Then Grandpa decided they really needed to put her furniture in first, so they must move everything on Friday, during the day without the huge moving truck and also, without any strong young helpers.
Did I mention he is well over 70 years old and although the Nameless Man works out and is pretty strong, there is NO WAY we wanted him to move all her stuff. Not to mention, those students had been booked weeks in advance and given up Long Weekend plans to make some extra money. WD and I LOATHE it when people cancel on us at the last minute and now, we were about to do it to them.

We quickly made some calls, looking for last minute help to come and load the pickup truck and van we had but funnily enough, everyone we know was working on a Friday. Desperately, we tried to come up with an alternate plan since Grandpa would not take "No" for an answer.
Wonderful Daughter and her friend quickly threw the last items into any available box while I quickly went down to our local Cash Corner where all the city's great unwashed and unemployed hang out hoping to pick up a day's labour.
It was nearly 1 pm by this time but I was "lucky" enough to get two smelly, toothless, practically homeless men to jump into WD's car with me and come back to move furniture. While I was gone getting help, Grandpa managed to fall backwards off the front porch while carrying furniture.

It was the most interesting move we have ever been involved in.

Now that the dust has settled we keep telling ourselves the important thing to bear in mind is, "we are done".
I woke up Saturday morning with a strain of WD's illness that kept me in bed for the rest of the long weekend. However, today we finished the move out cleaning and on a brighter note, the weather has been nice enough for WD to keep the car windows unrolled so, 5 days later, the smell of the Cash Corner Gentlemen is nearly gone.

Final Tally:

We lost out on Penelope's baking, having my little sister come to help and WD's boys getting to play with her youngest son who we had asked to come and babysit while we worked.
The student movers got stiffed since there was nothing left for them to move. The Cash Corner guys got a slap-dash lunch and one kept his second sandwich for dinner that night. (We offered to make him more, he declined) Grandpa got a bruised hip but also the pleasure of knowing he saved WD nearly $50 by not having to hire movers. Too bad the larger storage unit will cost an extra $100 each month.

But, "we are done" and from all accounts, WD and her little boys are settled in and Grandpa loves having them there. We'll see what happens when the Heinous MIL comes back to town in mid June.

I'm certain I will have much more material for some great rants, erm, posts.

The Promise

2010-05-15T00:50:00.024-06:00

She was so beautiful. 17 years old with clear skin, white blonde hair,bluer than blue eyes and an infectious giggle. She had many friends at school but none too close. They couldn't get too close.

She was the first of the family to graduate high school. The first of the three girls to do right and fly straight. No silliness from her. She knew who she was and where she was going.

As I watched her stand before the mirror in her bedroom and apply a last coat of mascara I was flushed with pride. I can still see her in my mind's eye. She was small and blonde and beautiful.

She wasn't pregnant before Grade 12. She didn't drop out to raise a kid. She didn't mess up, drop out, run away. She didn't always manage to draw rage and or indifference alternated with disdain down on her head. She was the one who beat the odds.

She worked hard to get along, go along, hang on.

And she had a wish.

She wished for a trinket to commemorate her graduation. She wanted a ring. A high school ring. Hesitantly she waited for her moment and broached her request. Of course there was no money for a small gold ring. In that household, there was never any money for extras. No money for swimming lessons. Skating lessons. Girl Guides. Camp. Band. Gymnastics. Ringette. Movies? Vacations? No money for any of that!

Money for booze could always be found. Money for cigarettes, of course. Money to travel back to the hometown and visit with their friends. That was another matter entirely. A trip to Australia for the father? Sure! A trip to Mexico for the mother? No problemo! But, no money for a beautiful 17 year old who only wished for a small gold ring.

She was disappointed but tried again. Perhaps a small silver ring? Oh, well, that was different! Of course. Of course. They would make sure she got it. She wasn't to worry. And definitely not to feel she had to ask again. It was hers, they would make sure of it!

Except they didn't. Like so many other broken promises all throughout her childhood, the last one, made as she began her transistion to adulthood was also broken.

I can't make up for leaving her. I honestly didn't even know she needed me, she seemed to have it all together. I didn't see the need in her. I would have stayed and endured if I had know. For this, she has forgiven me.

The first week of July 2010 will mark her 25th high school reunion. How I wish I could get her that ring.

The Camera is Mightier Than the Sword

2010-05-13T12:11:00.033-06:00

Every spring it's the same old problem here in the teeny tiny condo. There is a junior high on the next block and we have a courtyard between the two buildings of our complex.

The teens love to walk down to the Red Mile grab a slice or a burger and then meander back to our courtyard to enjoy it. Problem is, I don't enjoy them.

They are loud, profane and usually feel free to leave their garbage behind. I watched, astonished, as a young man opened his foil wrapped burger, lifted the top bun and threw the tomato and lettuce on our lawn. Then he proceeded to eat his burger, wad up the wrapper and throw it on the lawn as well.

Excuse me? This is my home.

They smoke, (leave their butts), skateboard on our cobblestones, (breaking them down), scream with laughter (disrupting the Nameless Man on his conference calls), swear like sailors (sorry to offend any sailors) and throw their garbage around.

Yesterday I watched from my balcony as two young girls in short dressy cocktail type dresses walked up the alley, munching on a slice of pizza. One looked stealthily around, and then assuming she was free from prying eyes, threw her pizza crust into the flower beds that border the back of the condo property. So, I said, "Hey. Do I come to your house and throw stuff all over your yard?" She was shocked when she looked up to see me standing there but I`ll give her credit. She reluctantly teetered back over to pick up the crust and drop it into one of the 6 garbage cans directly across the alley.

Earlier, three teens with skateboards were skating around and swearing. I went out and said, `Guys, this is private property so I`ll have to ask you to leave.`Immediately, their self appointed buttonhead acted all, `Wha?" and "Us?" and "There's a sign? Where? What sign?" and giving me all kinds of attitude. I asked flat out, "Do you live here?" and of course the answer was negative. They eventually swggered off, their progress somewhat impeded by the waist of their pants holding their knees together. Is that still in style?!

Since I work from home, I see and hear a lot of what goes on around here during the day. Far more than I want to, let me tell you!

In years past, WD and I have backed each other up as we have confronted and chased these kids away. Two of them covered our entire intercom system at the parkade entrance with Pepto Bismol pink spray paint. Nearly the entire unit, they missed the pinhole camera that lets us see who is calling for entry. Heh heh. They sure were surprised when the police showed up at their school with their pictures. Unfortunately, there was no recourse for the little monor darlings. They never even had to apologize, let alone pay to have the paint cleaned out of the intercom buttons.

I have called their school after one young lad mistook our courtyard for a urinal. Although the administrator I spoke to was apologetic, they never sent the kid back to scrub off the pee which is what would have happened back in my day. If you got in trouble, you got it at school and then again when you got home. Am I dating myself here?

Every spring is another session of futility but I think I have finally hit on the ultimate weapon.

They aren't ascared of me, all 5'2" of middle-aged me with my head barely clearing the balcony rail asking or TELLING them to get off this property. When I was on the board of directors here, we hung signs and put up gates blocking access to the courtyard. It didn`t do any good at all.

So now, I have escalated the fight and brought in a weapon. I now walk softly and carry a Canon.

Today when Tikki alerted me (by incessantly barking as is his wont) we had uninvited guests, I took my camera and headed out to the balcony. I pointed it at them and then advised them I have taken all their pictures and if I see them here again, any damage or vandalism found AT ALL will be blamed on them.

I'm sure taking their picture would violate their rights somehow. Privacy law maybe? So, I didn't actually take the pictures. I just pointed the Canon and let them run.

After I soothed my sore muscles in my arms from all the back patting, I was thinking about how much was written and talked about the situation in China but, until we saw the photos from Tiannamen Square it never grazed many of our conciousness.

My situation is of course not approaching any dramatic level but it's pretty interesting to see how even tough, mouthy teens are terrified of a camera. Somehow, you are much more accountable when you have been filmed. Unless you are a Hollywood starlet in a hotel room. Then you have a fledgling career.

I'll let you know if I have to get a tank.

Attitude Extraordinaire

2010-05-12T09:10:00.052-06:00

Wow! You are not going to believe this... I went clothes shopping and got such fantastic service at one store, I happily paid 20% MORE than the ticketed price on the clothing I walked out with.

The sales staff at the next store weren't as good, and I wasn't as happy with them so I only paid 10% more at that particular store.

What made the first store so exceptional Sparrow?, you might be asking. Well, Reader, it was that she greeted me enthusiastically when I walked in, she said "good choice" when I selected a couple of items to try on and then she brought me additional items when the first selections didn't fit. She kept checking back on me to see if I needed more clothing to try on and she drew a smiley face on my receipt! I was tickled pink!! 20% on top of the bill for you my dear!

At the second store, the sales associate showed me to a dressing room, brought me clothes and helped me, but I didn't think her heart was in it and I wasn't very happy she was standing in another part of the store, texting or visiting with her co-workers. So, I only paid her 10% above the ticketed price. I wasn't going to pay anything extra, but she probably works for minimum wage so I felt bad for her.

Does any of this make sense to you? Me neither!!

Yet, as I travel around the blogsphere, I read waiter blogs. And, without exception, they are all whiney diatribes against us, the customer. They poke fun in a superior manner at us, the customer or `cover`if you will, for not ordering appetizers, for ordering a kids meal for our kids. For not ordering inflated priced wines to go with our meals, for not wanting a dessert after a gargantuan portioned entree and for asking for a to-go container when we can`t finish our food. God help us if we over stay our welcome and linger over coffee when they are hopping from one foot to the other wanting to turn the table over to the next cover.

The most scorn on these blogs and in the comments is saved for the tip. If we tip less than 20% we are dirt in these waiters eyes. If we expect change from a large bill or gift card, we are cheap. If we ask for anything extra (like steak sauce for chicken)or any reasonable substitutions, we are demanding and ignorant. And they detail how they cash out at the end of the night with good tips or lousy tips to supplement their minimum wages. It is rarely less than $60 per night more than their wages.

Amongst the other blogs, I have been reading while Attitude Extraordinaire, erm I mean Waiter Extraordinaire gives a running commentray on his covers, their unrealistic demands (lemon for your water? You witch!!) and their paltry tips. A 37% tip made him happy...$5 on the table did not. He works in a corporate steakhouse, just below fine dining so I am guessing the Keg or its ilk. Not cheap by any means and not likely to attract the Great Unwashed. Yet his attitude clearly shows he feels we owe him. He gives advice to his fellow waitstaff on how to manipulate customers. The post that really sent me over the edge was the one that detailed all the things he and his waitress wife had purchased for their home and the lessons, activities and vacations his 2 kids had had in the past 12 months. Sure looks like a whole lot of disposable (cash) income in that household.

In contrast, the staff in the dress shop happily greets me when I come in, I am usually approached by a sales woman who cheerfully asks if she can help me once I have browsed a little. Then, she willingly brings me different clothing items to try onto my overweight and misshappen body. She doesn't look at me like I have committed the unforgiveable faux paus if I want to try on a flimy little number that is clearly too young for me. She gently steers me away from that selection. Sometimes, she will bring me accessories like a scarf or necklace to accentuate my apparel I have on. I know this is an upsell but I don't mind because she clearly wants to make sure I look good and am happy. She stays nearby, wanting to be helpful, not gossiping in the back room and she usually escorts me to the till. All for minimum wage. No tip, no attitude, no sense of entitlement that I owe her more than the listed price.

So, Mr Waiter Extraordinaire, I would like to come and have a meal out while respecting my budget and honoring my convictions not to drink and drive, even after just one. I would like to repeat the specials you just rattled off to my husband who is a little hard of hearing, especially in noisy restaurants and speak to you on our behalf since he is also shy as well as going deaf. Or does that make me a manhating old bag who is dominating my downtrodden husband? I would like to take some of the food I paid for home with me to enjoy the next day if I cannot finish it. And I would like to pay the price stated in the menu for my choice.

I would like you to do your job and bring me what I have ordered, refill my beverage and be somewhere in the vicinity when I try to catch your eye so we may have our bill. Is that too much to ask? Why do I need to pay you 20% extra to do your freaking job???? Waiting on us is what you signed on for, isn't it?

That rant now out of my system, the Nameless Man and I never tip less than 15%, usually 20% and only once in my life have I not left a tip. I get the custom and the culture. I embrace it.

I just don't get why every single waiter blog has to run down the people who ensure he has a job.

I iz blue

2010-05-11T20:36:00.003-06:00

Having a bad day/week.

I wonder what the postal code would be to get your mail forwarded when you live inside your head as much as I do.

Doctor's appointment on Friday. I can't do this unmedicated.

Weigh In...Way Out

2010-05-07T09:39:00.010-06:00

200 again, ouch!
Not that I don't deserve it what with the Peter's run and all.

I have already walked Tikki for 20 min, mostly uphill. So, I'm on the right track.

Todays goals:

Walk at least another 20, in fact, I am working on designing a flyer WD and I would have to walk house to house to deliver here in my neighbourhood. I live in a very hilly area so, done right, this should be a great workout for me.

Water: 8 - 8oz glasses
Green Tea supplements and Matcha.
Sleep at least 7 hours
Food: No sugar and ONE diet Coke.
Plan stick to South Beach Phase One for the weekend.

We're having a new couple over tomorrow night for Greek food but I think when I make it, I can adapt a lot of it to South Beach for me. It will spill over into Phase Two but at least it will be "on plan".

I got a great deal of encouragement out of Dawn's post over at Fixing Myself Thinner. Her Wake Up Call was so good for me, especially the last paragraph. It was like she was speaking directly to me. I have the power within me to do anything I want and I am worth it!

Lunch

2010-05-07T00:22:00.023-06:00

Lunch was great and my little sister looks fantastic! She has a couple of wrinkles but since she hit the big Four Oh over 2 years ago, that is to be expected. She is a natural blonde with gorgeous blue eyes and a great smile. I have missed her so bad. When we met just outside the condo building, we hugged and I never wanted to let go.

I have been kidding myself thinking I didn't need any of my own family. Thinking I was just fine on my own with no family. It was a way to cope with the hurt and rejection I think.

She knows the stories and the jokes. There is the shared history. It was just soooo good to sit and visit with her. She brought pictures of her kids and I must say, without bias, they are great looking kids. Now I can't wait to meet them too. I have only met her husband once, at their wedding, so pretty soon I'll have a whole pile of folks to claim as kin.

We have tentative plans to go swimming next Friday and then get together as families on June 12th.

Once my sister left, WD and I picked up Dom from school and then headed to Ikea where we did a bjorken (which is Swedish for endless walking throughout the store in search of one small shelf and the checkout).The Nameless Man joined us there when he finished work and after he also bjorkened, we had supper in the cafe. It was surprisingly good. It turns out WD treated so I was especially grateful. As a single parent, she is strapped for cash so it was especially sweet of her.

Then tonight the Nameless Man and I walked Tikki for 30 minutes. We even walked up hills. I feel motivated today. It was a very good day. Actually, it was great.

Weigh in again tomorrow.

Cursing Peter's Drive In

2010-05-06T10:54:00.004-06:00

And not my lack of will power, oh no, the fault couldn't lie with me!

WD and I stopped for a burger yesterday after a long mornings work...and went a little crazy. Despite the fact I am lactose intolerant, I ordered and devoured a chocolate-mint milkshake. Then ate more than a few onion rings. But the scales were kind and I was still in One derland at 198 when I weighed in.

Today, we are having a very special lunch date. A very special lunch.... WD and I will be having my long little sister come over to the teeny tiny condo at 1 pm. I am kinda nervous. I last saw her when her son was less than a year old. He is now 16 and has a 12 year old younger brother who I have obviously never laid eyes on.

We have been catching up by phone for the past couple weeks but this will be our first face to face after all these years.

Someday I will chronicle for you some of the dysfunction in my family. If I was to document all of the instances of Crazy I recall from my childhood without a single embellishment and make it into a book, no publisher would touch it. They would be certain it couldn't possibly be true.

Better Days

2010-05-04T07:54:00.005-06:00

Weigh in today: 198!! Now I know it's water weight, but hey, I'll take it. It makes me feel like I have done something at least.

Today looks like a snow day. Weather warnings and wind advisories abound.

JC's face rash thingy has subsided a bit and he seems to be feeling better. I spent an enjoyable 10 minutes nattering away on the phone to him while his mommy drove Dom the 1/2 block to school. Apparently as he exitied the car, the wind caught his glove so Wonderful Daughter had to quickly get out and chase the glove down. Too bad for her she was parked right in front of the school... and was wearing a leather coat, ballet flats and a nightgown. Tee hee hee.

Todays goals: Drink 8 cups of water.
Walk 20 minutes in parkade. (I'll be dizzy)
No sugar!
One diet Coke. Only 1!
Green tea supplements.
Matcha tea.

Gotta go make an omelete for the Nameless Man. I love these cozy days...

Oh, and did I tell you? My long lost little sister has resurfaced. (More on that later.) It has been very interesting to catch up with her on events of the past 15 years. Very interesting...and strange.

Rut Row....

2010-05-03T10:55:00.006-06:00

Well, my backsliding ways haven't done me any favours it seems.

I weighed in at 200. Yikes...

Out of One-derland and back up there in 200 Ville. At least I know it's easily resolved.

Matcha tea was made and enjoyed. I think I need to whisk it up to properly blend it.

I never met any of my walking goals today, other than a leisurely stroll around Wal Mart and then Superstore for groceries. There is a storm warning out from the weather advisory so I didn't make the effort. JC is really ill with some sort of allergic reaction to an unknown substance. It was an unsettled day all around, really.

However, I made a good dinner and skipped the crescent rolls I baked the Nameless Man. I put one on my plate when they came fresh from the oven but then slipped it onto his plate after he asked the blessing. I felt virtuous!

Now, it's off to bed with a headache. I hate the weather changes, bring on Spring!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya Tomorrow!

2010-05-02T23:26:00.017-06:00

Tomorrow I will:

Walk Tikki at least 20 minutes, twice!
Walk with WD around her circuit. Twice!

Stay off sugar.
Take my green tea supplements.
Incorporate matcha tea into something.

Drink 8 glasses of water. And only one diet coke. One!

This past weekend I was good, well, pretty good. We has dinner Saturday night at the Keg with the Evil MIL and, other than the stuffed potato, I ordered well and stayed on plan. Earlier in the day, I had vegetable soup and a half vegetarian sandwich. So, that was great.
Conversation at dinner was strained but that is the subject of another post.

Wonderful Daughter and I cleaned for a new commercial client on Saturday afternoon. Our first commercial gig. It should have taken 4 hours but took 6 (ugh)... lots of exercise at least.

Tonight, we had curry with Gordon and Penelope. Other than the white rice, I was good. Oh, and I had a slice of caramel tiramisu cake, loaded with sugar. Not so good...but I tried.

So, tomorrow is a new day. And I will begin again.

I'll be 49 in August and would like to weigh 15 ellbees less. Let's see how it goes. I have a new plan.

It includes South Beach, water, green tea, matcha tea and exercise with my poodle and having WD kick my ample behind.

Weigh in tomorrow. Last numbers were 195... but I think I have strayed a bit.

Apologies all around

2010-04-27T11:33:00.021-06:00

Well, I never!

I had a great post for you dealing with my heinous MIL who took it upon herself to place a picture of the step-great grandchildren into the lovely personalised frame that Wonderful Daughter and I bought for my long suffering father in law. The frame says "I heart Grandpa".

But, I cannot retreive the post and have moved on.

First, news... she leaves again May 18th. I am counting the days.

In her latest heinery... yes, I am making up words, she has decided the other son's family needs her constant care and attention. Which, you would think, I would welcome. The only fly in the ointment is that she is now waiting, pacing, for an invitation to a birthday party they are due to hold. It has been delayed because our niece was moving over the past weekend.

Three weeks ago, I asked FIL if he would like it if Wonderful Daughter and I cooked a turkey dinner this coming weekend. He was delighted and accepted. I made sure I told the MIL from hell when she returned. Sometimes he forgets to catch her up on what is going on.

This past Sunday, she informed me she sure hopes the birthday party isn't planned for this weekend, because she would "hate to have to reschedule Saturday's dinner".

Huh?! Did I miss something? Is it somehow acceptable to cancel your original plans when something better comes along? It's not like we'll be throwing a pizza pop or two in the oven and calling it dinner. This is turkey with all the trimmings. Kind of a bit of an undertaking, at least for me.

Conversely, it's a party for a two year old. My in-laws are his great grandparents. During the last month when my MIL was away, my FIL was invited over exactly once, when he went for Easter dinner. They never found the time to drive the 30 minutes it would take to come and see him at any time during the month. WD and I counted and we had a meal with him 7 times, not including just stopping by for a visit.

I propose the odd notion the show can go on without them in attendance. There is plenty of other family to be in attendance. Or, perhaps they could hold the party on Sunday if she explained the conflict in her hectic social life. Besides which, it hasn't even been confirmed the party is this weekend anyways! She'd better let me know her plans by tomorrow.

We have Penelope and Gordon coming on Sunday for curry and next weekend is booked for a small dinner party here.

And, if she does pull this. she'd better not ever expect another invitation.

Mother In Law Chicanery

2010-04-22T08:58:00.018-06:00

blogger ate my witty (whiney) post...so this is a work in progress

UGH!

2010-04-20T09:56:00.002-06:00

Mother in Law comes back from her month in Saskatchewan tonight. Her broom lands just after 10 pm.

And that, is all I have to say about that.

Such a Good Girl!

2010-04-19T10:10:00.006-06:00

Well, I am back walking again. I joined a walking challenge Dawn at Fixing Myself Thinner has devised. Too bad I totally have misplaced my pedometer here in the teeny tiny condo. Tikki is refusing to leap into action as a search and rescue dog. Danggit.

It feels good to be actively walking again and I must say, reading over my old posts here, I can easily see what some of my weight problems are. Last night, as the Nameless Man and I went for a stroll, I tried talking to him about why I sabotage myself. He didn't have much insight to offer, but knowing he supports me wholeheartedly helps more than any words could say.

Now I just need to faithfully work on the issues I noticed. Number 1 I think, no more crap food in the house. Despite my highly developed "Mom Hearing", even I can't hear cookies and crap food call to me from the grocery store. My downfall this past week was the chocolate mini eggs and Cadbury eggs I bought on sale "for the grandkids". No more of that nonsense!

Sure wish I could recall the password for the weight loss ticker. I might be permanently stuck on 11 pounds lost.

YABBA! DABBA! DOOOOOO!!!!!

2010-04-17T21:33:00.008-06:00

Oh My! Oh My Gravy (as they exclaim on this season's Amazing Race)!
Wonderful Daughter called a few minutes ago with Amazing News...

The soon-to-be-ex husband left her a voice mail message today. How he got her unlisted highly protected phone number remains a mystery and is beside the point right now.

He called to say... wait for it... he will not oppose the divorce any longer. She has been set free!

So, closure on this chapter of her life is imminent. Hopefully now, he will stop stalking her and threatening her with violence. I don't know if I already mentioned this, but the last time (and there have been several times) he violated what you would know as a restraining order and was arrested for it, he was sitting in her driveway, late at night, with a hunting knife in his pocket.

There have been other instances since then but that was the last time he actually got arrested for it. She has been through hell.

Hopefully his latest move is the beginning of an amicable end.

The Heat is On!

2010-04-15T15:39:00.047-06:00

Yikes!
I just did the math yesterday (and then called my long-suffering father in law to double check since referring to my mathimatical calculations as "skills' would be a big fat lie) and realized my in-laws Golden wedding anniversary isn't in the autumn of 2011...it's next October!
I-yi-yi...

Yes, the Nameless Man's parents are still together after all these years. Although, we're fairly certain they don't love each other. (ba dum bum)
My parents realized long ago they might love each other but they sure as heck couldn`t live together so they divorced within 2 years after I was born. Then, my dad died when I was 18 but that`s another (long winded) story.

For their 40th anniversary, my heinous MIL advised me they would like a party and handed me a guest list. So, like the chumpy doormat I am, the Nameless Man and I rented the upper room of our favourite restaurant, hired a D.J. and had a nice sit down meal for about 30 or so... final bill was about $800 each for the Nameless Man and his brother. Nameless Man and I took care of the venue and DJ, the brother only had to pay for half of the dinner. Somehow, their half sister didn't attend or contribute...maybe because she didn't attend? Wish I'd thought of that!

Anyway, back to yesterday. Once the heart palpitations stopped, I realized I don't want to put on another fancy party. I really don't. For several reasons:

1) I don't enjoy my MIL. Not one bit. Her passive aggressive nonsense has gone on for almost 30 years (more on the 30 years later) and I am heartily sick of her. She actually got worse about 15 years ago when she fell backwards while ice-skating on the lagoon with Wonderful Daughter (who swears she never pushed her... I taught her well, she was going to wait until later in the year, once the ice melted before she did any pushing..."let's go feed the ducks grandma..., oops!") and sustained an undiagnosed closed head injury. I have diagnosed her based on observing her horrible behaviour! She was a pain before that, but became intolerable afterwards. And, unlike fine wine, she does not get better with age!

2) They have no friends. Nope, no friends. Due to her stellar personality, they have absolutely no one to hang out with, go to dinner with, go to a show with, have over to play cards...nuthin! She used to have a lovely friend who would go shopping with her and bike riding and tennis but, unfortunately, she drove her off. The final straw for her friend, after years of snide remarks and hurtful comments, was when she showed up to go shopping in a (gasp!) clean, unstained T-shirt she had just pulled from the dryer and pulled on. The friend said she thought the T-shirt would be okay to go shopping in, since she saw plenty of other women her age wearing them in the mall. MIL conceded, yes other women DID wear T-shirts in public, but unlike her friend, they "weren't too lazy to iron theirs first"! This poor gal suffered from low self esteem in the first place...anyways, that was the end.

3) Their family doesn't enjoy them either. The last time I saw Nameless Man's very sweet aunt, who was staying with the in-laws for the weekend along with her adorable new Chihuahua puppy, in a space of less than 15 minutes, my MIL had advised Auntie her beloved puppy looked like a rat, was fat and was spoiled. Right about then I would be training my Chihuahua to go fetch a ladder and lunge for her throat. Nah, I would have just entertained visions of punching her in the throat myself. (I never take Tikki over there for this very reason. He'd do it too! And, I would allow it.) So...who would we invite?! It was tough to get enough numbers to come to their 40th. How pathetic would it be to arrange a big 50th and have less than 30 people show up? BTW, we, the brother and his family along with Nameless Man and our progeny, number 16 of those possible 30 attendees. Where I could round up another 14 is beyond me. And FIL has 4 other siblings! With big Mormon families. No, we are not members.

4) MIL's only sibling is in the process of dying from cancer. Now that MIL is spending every other month in Saskatchewan caring for her, all 4 of her nieces and their families have gotten to know MIL a lot better. So they wouldn't come.

5) Our 30th anniversary is in 2011 and I would love to go on a cruise. We haven't had a vacation since W.D.'s Troubles with the soon-to-be-ex began so a cruise would be great! Hopefully she will have seen the last of that gentleman and can meet a hunky cruise boat captain who would like nothing more than to provide his new, fabulous in-laws with semi annual cruises to exotic locales where they would bask in the sun on white sandy beaches, while sipping tall cold alcoholic...erm, sorry...where was I? Oh yes, a vacation would be nice for our 30th. So if we shell out all our disposable income (bwah ha ha, "Disposable Income", oh, my sides! I am wiping the tears of mirth away so I can finish this post) there would be nothing left in the kitty by August of 2011.

5) Last time, Wonderful Daughter and I did all the work. We printed matching invitations and envelopes along with reply cards. We made all the arrangements. We did all the shopping and decorating. We handled it all. Because SHE wanted a party. Ugh. Wonderful daughter has enough on her plate without worrying about a party. Although she does enjoy organizing (bossing) and does a stellar job of it. If the Thrid Reich had had her in charge, things would have gone quite a bit differently. I envision us all greeting one another with `Heil` while wearing really nice shoes!

6) We are not "fancy party" people. We are "BBQ with a beer and frisbees" people. My MIL watched too much Dynasty and Falcon Crest in the 80's and it addled her brain. Move over Angela Channing... we have a new family matriarch.

7) We are all busy trying to survive the economic downturn and help out our own kids and grandkids. No one is into spending a bundle on another party. At least I know I don`t. And, since brother and his family rarely see the in-laws, even though we all live in the same city, I can hazard a guess they wouldn`t be into it either.

So, I am waiting for the Nameless Man to phone his younger brother to run it past him, but we think a nice family dinner for the 18 of us at a nice restaurant at a golf resort in the Rocky Mountains would suffice. Just picture it, great views, like the picture at the top, and fabulous food, along with a tastefully framed family portrait of us "kids" and our families. Wouldn't that be nice? Even though the food wouldn't be harmonious with her many (imaginary) allergies, and the picture frame would clash with her garage sale decorating treasures.

The Rustica Steakhouse at the Silvertip resort has a fixed price menu with several choices for an appy, main and dessert along with one bottle of wine for $90 to $110 per couple. The projected cost for dinner for 7 couples and some kids, around $800 - $900 and then $200 - $300 for framed pictures if we get them shot outdoors. Hopefully brother's budget would allow for 50/50 this time around, but even if not, we would split it 2 ways. I like the sound of this. Your opinion please?

And, let me assure you, before you even mention it, the fact the family portrait would be shot weeks in advance and NOT include her never even crossed my mind...

The Alzheimer's Cleared up!

2010-04-13T22:19:00.042-06:00

WOW!!! I can't believe it took me this long to recall my password for my blog... okay, I'm totally lying! It took me THIS LONG to figure out how to reset the dang thing!

I have SO much to catch you up on...and apparently I SHOUT ALL THE TIME NOW!! Perhaps I've gone deaf, you know how they overcompensate...

Bad memory and deaf...sounds like your great aunt with the hairs growing out of her chin and the lingering Noxema scent.

So...catching you up since December...

Where to begin...? I basically got an awesome Aero Garden from my MIL as a gift for doing one million things for her. Yep, I sold my soul to the evil MIL so I can grow crap indoors. So far, I've grown a whack of Basil, Chives and killed off 2 batches of thyme. Hmmm...Forgetful, Deaf, Herb Killer... how is that gonna look on a resume? Good thing I already have a job.
Until Wonderful Daughter comes to her senses, that is.

Tikki is no longer pink and has been Extreme Groomed which is code for shaved to within an inch of his life by a great gal named Jess. She came to the house and got him all cleaned up for me. It cost me $80 big ones. Why did I pay $80 for a service I could get for under $50 everywhere else? Just doing my bit to stimulate the economy...lol. Because she comes to the house and because my spoiled little man turned out to be a viscious biter. So much so that we had to wrap him in towel to restain him from hurting himself (or puncturing Jess). Then, he got so freaked out, he messed the towel. So make that the price for grooming $60 plus $20tip, plus new bath sheet. But he sure looks purty!

Wonderful Daughter and I have been able to hire a new girl. She is awesome! We love her and we hope to keep her schedule so full that in turn she loves us and we love her and she loves that we love her.

I started a Facebook account that turned out to be a bit more than I could handle... I met and made a great couple of friends there. Unfortunately, I developed a Yoville addiction and had to completely give it all up. I tried limiting myself to an hour a day, no dice. Then, I tried just logging on to play Friday evenings but I wanted to be on more to see what was new, who was on, what was going on...you get the picture. So, I gave up my cool Yoville apartment, my great Victorian style house, my extensive virtual wardrobe including a top hat W.D. paid $40,000 yocoins for, my virtual poodle and all my cool, great, fantastic virtual stuff in my fake Yoville life.

I really miss visiting with my Facebook buddies but it's nice to have more time for my real life friends and family. As soon as the weather clears up, I'm going to start walking Tikki regularly again.

Which will tie in well with my last bit of news...I regained the eleven pounds I had lost by December and then gained some more to max out at 207. Then, I found the magic secret and lost TWELVE WHOLE POUNDS!!! Yes, I know, enough with the shouting already. I finally found a way of life. Not a diet. I can't stay on a diet. That's how I got up to 207. Yes, that's a weight, not a year.
I finally smartened up, stopped taking diet pills and looking for a quick fix and found a way of life that ultimately, long term, will result in me reaching my target weight.
Which is in the 130 neighbourhood.

I am now following the South Beach Diet which, at this phase (2) means loads of fresh vegetables, fruit, low fat dairy, cheese and lean meats. I don't get much sugar, potatoes or white rice. The weight is coming off, very slowly. I strive to lose a maximum of 2 pounds a week. Once the snow is finally gone here in my neck of the woods, I will begin interval walking with Tikki. Then I can lose a bit more each week, but from diet alone, 2 pounds per week is the most i can take off without hurting myself long term.

So, expect more boring weight loss effort blog posts. And other miscellaneous brain dribble. Hey, it could have been worse...I could have filled you in on all the goings on in Yoville. Luckily for you, we all agreed what happens in Yoville, stays in Yoville.

Oh, one last thing. Dawn, over at Fixing Myself Thinner ( I have forgotten how to do a link...) HIT HER GOAL WEIGHT!!!!! And then she PASSED it!!! Now, that's truly something to shout about! Yay Dawn! Congratulations on being crowned a Queen at TOPS. Your pictures looked great and you inspire me!

Caught Red-Handed

2009-12-01T21:07:00.009-07:00

You are looking at the evidence of a diseased mind.
I have red palms and fingers.

And a pink poodle who is pretty upset with me. Fortunately for his breed, he is clever enough to know how to get even. He immediately went and rubbed himself all over my living room suite, leaving behind a slight pink hue on the seats and backs of the couch and love seat. He stayed off his favourite chair until he was dry.

But, the jokes on him...ever since he ripped up the upholstery on both pieces of furniture, I don't have the same mad, furniture love for them that I once did. Since I now need slip covers, he can rub until the Genie appears for all I care. Nyah, Nyah Tikki.

We have our first ever Bed Bath and Beyond in Calgary now. So, I will set aside my shopping aversion and go get slipcovers. He didn't get a rise out of me...this time.

Tomorrow, I will post about the great present I got from my in-laws. The assembly has been done but I will take pictures of the set up for you.
Hint: I can grow "herbs" indoors year round now.

Why am I such a sicko??

2009-11-30T15:02:00.011-07:00

After the last flu / whatever epidemic around here, I began taking Wild Oregano oil and Elderberry juice daily. Elderberry can be poisonous so you need to make sure you have expert advice. Which I sought. From some tree-hugging, granola eating girlfriends of mine.

Wild Oregano helps boost your immune system and apparently Elderberry was used to treat a flu epidemic in South America in 1995. The way I heard it, flu...erm, uh... germs? bacteria? cells? okay the flu "bad guys", have spiky bits and the elderberry helps your cells?" good guys" to stay smooth and slick so the spiky bits can't hook in,or on, or up or...something. (Betcha couldn't tell the holistic, natural way of taking care of your health is uncharted waters for me!)

So, I immediately went and bought this stuff. It was all working good...until I got distracted and stressed out over the weekend and totally forgot to take any. Now I have a head cold. Sheesh.... is it the stress or the lack of preventative??

I suspect this is a clever ploy by homeopathic health people to force you to buy more of their products, thereby making you healthier and capable of living longer, thereby spending money on these preventatives and cures for a longer span of time during your long, healthy life.

What a racket!

Heigh Ho Heigh Ho

2009-11-27T10:37:00.007-07:00

Well, I'm off to work in a couple but just wanted to update my myriads of readers who are anxiously awaiting my next post.

This morning I weighed in at 200 lbs and then I walked 1.5 miles which is over 2,000 steps. I was gone 18 minutes.

I'm bursting my buttons and not just the ones over my gut for a refreshing change.

Katie, on the other hand, is working out in 30 minute sessions of cardio and pilates on her Bosu ball at least twice a day. Combined with her new eating plan, her self-invented "Boot Camp" is going very well just 3 days in.

She looks so good, even the Nameless Man commented on it. I think I may have mentioned in passing he notices very little. Lately, he is so stressed, when I speak to him he stares blankly at my lips like I am conversing in Swahili.

This weekend is the last one for Canadian football and the Grey Cup is being played right here in Cowtown. Our home team didn't make it past the semi finals but the best team in the West made it. Now I just have to survive until the Super Bowl in January...

Go Riders!

A Photo (or Two)

2009-11-25T01:47:00.008-07:00

This is my "office"complete with the Tim Horton`s cup that is required by Canadian law to be displayed in every home. I'm serious...we teach proper roll up the rim technique in Phys. Ed.

Because I can't find the Before picture...HONEST!!

This is me...my many chins and Tikki in April of 2009. We have both gotten bigger since this was taken but only one of us got any cuter. Sure wish it was me.

In breaking news...the Nameless Man found my other pedometer when cleaning the top of the armoire prior to hanging up the flatscreen tv in the bedroom. I thought I wore it out (dropped it somewhere). So now I will have no excuses not to walk. Unless I can figure out how to painlessly break my own ankle or knee. Where is that Tonya Harding when you need her?

I'm off to Google self inflicted injuries.

More later.

Monday Mayhem

2009-11-23T22:39:00.014-07:00

Today I spent the day at my In-laws, cooking, baking and cleaning to help out since my MIL ended up having emergency surgery in Saskatoon the day they were scheduled to return home. The In-Laws keep travelling out there for weeks and weeks on end to care for MIL's only sister who has terminal cancer.
Trouble is, MIL is 68 years old and working like a rented mule out there. While the rest sit back and take advantage of her. It is frustrating situation all around I think.
Anyways, I took WD's fabulous floor steamer down (since mine blew up) and FIL had a great time steam cleaning floors. I really should have bought stock in the company...I recommend them to everyone.

In the past few days I have made several batches of soup for MIL and Auntie to have and today I mixed up some Better Than Red Lobster biscuits. Although we didn't have garlic powder and substituted fresh chopped garlic, they were still good. Everyone liked them. Whenever I make them, I am always asked for the recipe so I guess they are good. My first visit to Red Lobster was last July and they didn't have any biscuits so I have never tasted these famous goodies.

I ran errands with my FIL and then in the afternoon took my MIL for a little drive and chat since she needed a shoulder to cry on. This is all so stressful for them.
Their house needed floors scrubbed, dusting, glass and bathrooms cleaned up. Whew...when I got home I napped while the Nameless man heated leftovers for our own dinner.

I didn't do anything at my own house and poor old Tikki was left on his own for the day. He watched a few movies, caught up on some ironing and redecorated his bedroom. Or maybe he played with the Tictac mints he stole out of my purse and then snoozed all day. Poor little guy, he is so used to going everywhere with me, he is at loose ends when I have to leave him. Typical spoiled poodle.
He is certainly full of P&V now. The mailboxes for our condo building are just opposite our front door so he is having a great time barking his head off at one of our neighbours who has come down to get their mail at 10:30 at night. I hope our upstairs neighbours aren't trying to sleep.

Tomorrow I am up at Katie's to do some baking and business... I will take the photo thingy and download the before picture...(GULP).

The Bad Blogger is Back

2009-11-23T00:13:00.016-07:00

Hi!! Well...back yet again.
My laptop gave up the ghost and so I was off the air for way too long. At least to me...

But now I'm back, from outer space..I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face...

So. So much to tell you, Kidding. Same old boring Lilly Nana but on a new and improved computer.

Random stuff:

Cousin was here for the weekend to go snowboarding. Man, we love that guy. Sure glad he is a relative. Especially since I can't stand more than half of mine. (Betcha think I'm kidding...I'm not!)

Number One son has not come to see us. In fact we have not seen him or only granddaughter since July. Oh well.

Katie's kids are growing like weeds. JC entertained us today at the playground by going down the slide upside down and on his back. At the bottom, he would fly perfectly through the air and land on his head (and back) in the hollow in the gravel his body had made. He would lie there for about 90 seconds, no doubt regaining his wits, and then run around to climb the ladder and repeat the process all over again. We laughed until we nearly cried.

Since there is no H1N1 vaccine to be had in our fair city until maybe mid December (none of us play for the Flames) we have been giving the boys elderberry juice to help increase their resistance to the 'flu. This has made Dom very suspicious of everything we give him to drink, even though it tastes good. (Don't even get me started on the wild oregano oil taste!!)

Getting juice, any juice, into him has become a challenge.

Wonderful Daughter; Dom, come and drink your juice.
Dom: What kind is it?
W.D.: Elderberry
Dom: Does it have vitamins in it?
W.D. Nope
Dom: Did you add stuff to it?
W.D. Nope
Dom: Are you gonna drink some?
W.D. Yes, I had some.
Dom: Did it taste good?
W.D. Dom, you drank some yesterday and it was good.
Dom: Is JC gonna have some?
W.D. Yes, he is
Dom: Can he drink his first?

And on and on it goes. W.D. says the kid acts like if he was left alone to our nefarious devices, he will wake up in a bathtub of ice missing a kidney...

Let's see, what else...I bought yet another pedometer...to "walk" with an online buddy, Teresa. Shout out to Teresa...hey hon, I promise, I will catch up to you soon. As soon as I find a screwdriver so I can take off the back and remove the battery tab so the danged thing will work, that is. And, get WD to set it for me...

It is getting late here but I do have a few more random musings for you all. I guess since they are my usual drivel, they can wait until tomorrow.

But, here's a little teaser...I do have my "Before" pictures ready to download. Now, I know you've heard that one before but my laptop is working perfectly and I even have Windows 7 (whatever the heck that entails)...so no more excuses. Plus, Cousin is coming back in 2 weeks so I have a definite goal to lose enough that maybe he will notice the difference. Not that men ever notice anything...LOL.

See you tomorrow!

What a bunch of Sickos!

2009-10-29T21:35:00.007-06:00

We're all sick.

The Nameless Man has a bad cough that keeps him up nights. This is unusual because the NM gets up at 4:45 a.m. most days and goes to the gym. He is sickeningly healthy. Thanks to his cough, he is sleeping in the crap room (where should I put this crap? I dunno,... shove it it the spare bedroom.) and averaging 3 hours of sleep each night.

I have developed the 'flu, the non swine kind. I also have an infected ear due to no fault of my own. In other words, I did not have indecent relations with that Q-Tip. My left hip is out and I'm unhappy due to the decrease in my anti-depressants. Other than that, feeling peachy!

But enough about me. My main little buddy Tikki is also sick. he has been vomiting on and off all day. I suspect he snagged a chocolate cookie that JC may have set down. He has never been sick to his stomach once in his life but I now fully understand where the expression, "Sick as a dog" comes from.

Yesterday, JC came in the bedroom where I was lying, watching tv, resting my sore hip and asked for a sip of my 7-Up. Once he had a drink, he practically tossed the bottle onto the bed with me. Too bad he hadn't put the cap back on...

WD and I stripped the sheets and put on a set of the fabulous Egyptian cotton sheets I bought at the fall Home Show. They felt divine to slip into. Too bad they only lasted 70 minutes before my sweet buddy Tikki was sick all over them.

That wasn't the low point though. The true low point was when I carried Tikki to bed, as is our custom, and just as I got to the bedroom door, felt the warm splash as he was sick all down the front of me and over my bare feet.

I`ll venture a guess you are now feeling a little sick yourself.

Monday, Monday I Love that day!

2009-10-26T17:54:00.005-06:00

Okay, call me a weirdo. No, really, I mean it. It's the only name I answer to!
I was pretty happy to have my appointment with the cardiologist today and get the news.

It was good news too. The thallium test was good (so glad I studied hard) and my heart looks to be in good shape for a 90 year old man. Kidding, kidding, It's all pretty good.
Some unusual blip on the EKG which raised the alarm and stressed me out but right now, she thinks the chest pain must be directly related to the anti-depressant I was put on about 6 months ago. Right before the chest pains started.

So, tomorrow it's back to the G.P. to get my meds changed again. Hope these ones work better than the last (not current). Those worked great but at $300 a month I couldn't afford them and when I went off, ended up in Emerg.

Life is a challenge, eh? Like Roseanne Rosanna Danna said, "If it's anotta one thig, it's another!"

Weight wise I am doing very well. I've turned into the soup Nazi and made lots of homemade, low fat, low sodium soups. Between that, eating more sensibly and walking Tikki, I have lost some weight.

Tomorrow's recipe is for curried pumpkin soup.

Today I weighed 197

Tuesday Musings

2009-10-20T13:27:00.012-06:00

Yesterday was a good day.

I was pretty good as far as ticking to my new goals, well, mostly...
Feel free to tune out now, this is the "accountabilty to the entire World Wide Web" portion of your program.

Yesterday's breakfast was oatmeal. I pkg instant for 150 calories
Lunch: Vegetable Beef and Barley soup, approx 220 calories
Supper: Leftovers...so I ate beef and mushroom sauce (otherwise known as hamburger mush) approx 300 calories and I skipped the potatoes... but you'll notice no veggies were harmed in the making of my dinner.

Then, I went a bit crazy and ate a package of cookies, just a lunch sized bag, but still NOP (Not On Plan), 3/4 of a bag of micro popcorn, and a few macadamia nuts that were covered in chocolate. Oh and a big serving of apple crisp that turned out okay. The topping was drier than usual because I not only substituted margarine, I cut the amount down by nearly half.

So, in summary, I started out well, then went a bit nuts but overall, I did better than I usually do. I am a snacker...

WD isn't coming down today so I guess picture day will have to be tomorrow.

Today, I'm making Vegetable Chicken Soup for lunches and some sort of chicken concoction for dinner. I haven't looked for a recipe yet.
Not much else happening here except I am job hunting.

WD decided to stay home with JC until at least next fall when he starts kindergarten. So, I am looking. The problem is, I would rather gargle with glass shards than go back into my "field" which is personal insurance.

Just thinking about it gives me chest pains...seriously. I loved my job at the time but didn't enjoy the women I worked with (or for). Anyone who has worked in an office with women knows exactly what I mean. The only thing I ever missed about that job was my clients that I had built up a rapport with.

I've been spoiled, working outside an office for the past few years. I love stopping for coffee whenever I like and making my own schedule. I hate working with grown ups who act worse than preschoolers at the circus. I feel phony when I have to feign interest when they talk about their kids, pets, parents and ewwww... icky sex lives. I especially hate avoiding them while they gossip about and backstab each other. I have a great group of friends, real virtual and even imaginary. I just want a job where I can put my head down and work while collecting good pay for something that challenges me.

Is that too much to ask? This should be an interesting search in the middle of a "challenging" economy.

More Weighty Thoughts

2009-10-19T15:41:00.008-06:00

Since the testing is over, I have begun my new leaf turning hobby.

I have been walking Mr Tikki the Monster (who has eaten yet another C-Pap mask that I must have dropped when my head was pounding on Saturday) a couple times each day. I even walked up the steep hill in the alley behind our home. No problem. I figure if I can do the treamill, I can walk a couple blocks with my puppy.

I made some wonderful vegetable beef barley soup and even made my own beef stock so I could control the sodium. We were both pretty impressed with that soup and I felt like Tom Hanks in CastAway, "I have made SOUP!!"

Don't get me wrong, I have certainly made homemade soup before, but other than a can of tomato paste, this time it was all from scratch.
If I was as good as the Bag Lady I would have cleared the land, tilled the garden, made the compost, grown the vegetables, butchered one of my own beef and cut down the trees to make the fire it cooked over. I would like to go on record as saying I opened the can of tomato paste all by myself! And...drum roll please...I even went and bought the groceries myself. This is a Big Deal because I loathe shopping and have sucessfully had the Man doing those errands for years. Nearly 20 years in fact.

I weighed in this morning at 200 lbs so I'm up a bit, but no worries. This too shall pass.

This afternoon I am baking a low fat apple crisp made with Becel margarine. I'm really hesitant about this since we have only eaten butter in this household. Hopefully it turns out.

My new leaf turning includes cooking smarter, exercising more and ONE free meal each week where I don't go nuts, just relax a bit.
Oh, and no eating after 9 pm. And more water of course.

Mondays are weigh in days.
Wonderful Daughter is ill with the flu but I really will have her take and post some "before" shots for you all tomorrow.

Stress test survival

2009-10-17T19:41:00.017-06:00

Okay, I survived of course!

I fasted from midnight on and arrived at the clinic nervous as a hen on a hot brick. Hungry, unmedicated, thirsty and nervved up. Great combination!

There is no caffeine for 36 hours beforehand, no medications for 24 hours beforehand and nothing to eat or drink from midnight the night before.

They take you in, start an I.V of saline and then do the skin prep. First they wipe several spots on your chest and back with an alcohol swab, then they sand the spots lightly and attach the sticky lead thingys. Yes WD, that is the technical term.

Then they attach those to the machine and up on the treadmill you go. They instruct you to jog while the treadmill slowly increases in speed and incline angle. Then, just before you feel ready to collapse, you let them know and at that point they will inject thallium into the I.V..

Then, just to add to the fun you are already experiencing, you have to continue to jog for another 90 seconds to work the thallium throughout your system. Never mind the fact you just told them you are on the verge of collapse, and potentially have a bad ticker, keep jogging!

I'm digesting all these instructions and I`m thinking, "Okay, the cardiologist said no stairs, no swimming, no heavy housework, no exertion and these clowns want me to run until I feel ready to collapse...hmmmm."

So I said, "No." That's right, I refused to run. I told them I would gladly co-operate on every other level but I would not run. And, they agreed. No problem. No discussion, just, "Okay."

I had to wait a few minutes for the camera to be free since as soon as you come off the treadmill you go directly under the camera. While I was sitting there, a fellow in a white coat came from the back area of the testing area and asked where the cookies were. The other gals told him there were no cookies but he insisted he could smell cookies and accused them of hiding them from him. At this point the camera tech laughed and said, "Mrs. Nana looks confused!"

I said, "Hey, I'm sitting here starving and you guys are talking about cookies? That's just mean!"
Then the treadmill tech said, "Mrs. Nana is wearing some very nice perfume I think that's what you smell."
I remembered I had, that morning, automatically put on a spritz of the Beauty Control perfume WD sells. It smells like vanilla and cookies.

He wandered off, disappointed.

The test went well and I walked for quite a while before the treadmill tech decided it was time for the injection. Apparently, my blood pressure had risen quite alarmingly from the starting numbers so she gave me the injection and I quite happily kept walking until it was time for the camera.

The camera part consisted of lying motionless for 20 minutes with my arms over my head. Anyone who knows me in real life knows lying motionless is one of my best tricks. I have spent years perfecting my technique so that part was a piece of cake.

Once the camera was complete the Nameless Man and I took off until 2:10 when I has to be back to go back under the camera. We used our time to run some errands including a run to Costco to get cookies for the lab staff.

The afternoon went smoothly and the cookies were a hit. Aren't they always?
When it was all over, the Man took me to Peter's Drive-In for a legendary burger (no fries or onion rings, thankyouverymuch). Those burgers are always delicious but after waiting so long for something to eat, it was a fabulous treat.

Today, I haven't been feeling very well. I assume it's a side effect of the Thallium which is, after all, an ingredient in rat poison. I'm very relieved to have that test over with and now just need to wait for the results.

Thanks to everyone who called and e-mailed. I don't deserve any of you but I'm thankful for each and every one of you.

Thanks Leah!

2009-10-16T09:16:00.005-06:00

Today is my 6 hour treadmill stress test. I don't even need to get on the treadmill. I AM stressed.

Leah sent me some good advice and shared some of her own personal experience and for that I thank her. It has helped me a lot as the day has drawn closer. I have had too many young friends turn up their toes and die lately and it freaked me out. Not to mention the friend who dropped dead on the treadmill during the test. Does that mean he passed? He truly was stressed. (Dark humour always helps me.)

But, there is no history of heart disease in my family and although I am grossly overweight, I'm sure this is not a big deal. This is my mantra for today.

We wanted to take off for a long overdue holiday tomorrow but work demands have made it impossible for the Man to get away. He has 4 weeks to take before December 31 or he will lose them. Not get paid out, just lose them. Sooo, we better get free soon.

WD and I had a great day yesterday. I had booked one of our girls to go into Gordon and Penelopes house to tidy the main floor area before Penelope returned from a visit (slave labour helping her daughter move) to California.
Crazy, hospitable woman that Penelope is, she had arranged for a friend from England to come for dinner last night before the friend left to return home. So, Penelope would land at 3:30 p.m., clear customs and come home to tidy the house and put the finishing touches on dinner before her dinner guests arrived at 6. Gordon had been batching it for nearly 2 weeks and although he tries his standards and Penelope's are not too similar. (You really must see the wine making mess!)

The gal I booked decided she didn't want to drive all the way to their home for a short booking (stinking sub-contractors) so we were left with no one to go in. I had spent quite a while convincing Gordon to allow this service to happen and he was counting on us. We had joked he would convince Penelope he had done it all or that he had entertained a succession of women in her absence and told the last one to clean up on her way out. We had schemed and plotted to surprise Penelope so she didn't get too frazzled with the tight schedule.

So, we did what we could do. WD and I loaded up her boys and went to clean ourselves. The kids walked in, looked around and ran downstairs to the toy stash. Made themselves right at home! At one point JC came upstairs to check out their pantry just like he does when they are home.

So since it was a free cleaning now, we (WD while I stood around and talked to her) did the upstairs and the main, dusting, mopping and tidying. There wasn't much to do since she keeps a very clean home. Then we set the table for six, figuring Penelope could take off extra place settings if need be and walked out the door. We even dusted her front door. Dang, we're good.

After WD locked up the door she started searching for a clean cloth. Lo and behold, in the bottom of the rag bag was one of my (extra large) underpants that must have gone thru the laundry with the cloths. It took some fast talking, but I convinced WD to open the door and put the undies outside their bedroom door. However she refused to walk across the freshly vacuumed carpets since she groomed them but left them placed strategically on the stairway.

We had a great laugh knowing Penelope has a super sense of humour and Gordon would probably wet himself.

All in all, a good day.

I gotta run. Hope I studied hard enought for the Urine test. The stress, as I said, I've got covered!

Thanks Denise!

2009-10-11T14:39:00.003-06:00

Look what Denise sent me! And she hasn't even met me in real life.

I just knew there was a reasonable explanation for my cotton swab problem...

Now, can we get started on my 1,000 other ones? LOL

Update* the Man gave me the 'flu. Not the Establisment you hippies, the Nameless Man.

Pleeping in the Arms of Morpheus

2009-10-10T18:55:00.006-06:00

We had a great pleep over.

WD and the boys came a bit early and we got busy watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episodes that were stored for them on the PVR. Later we ran out for a few treats while the boys frolicked in the tub under their Papa's supervision. We were surprised when we came back a few moments later to discover he had washed their hair and scrubbed them down before putting them to bed for us. The funny thing was, he knew to wash their hair with baby shampoo but was stumped what to wash their bodies with. So, he went and got his own Axe body wash and a loofah and scrubbed them good. They were pink and shining clean when we went to kiss them goodnight and man...did they smell good.

We set them up watching tv in the bedroom with a package of smarties each and strict instructions to shut off the tv when their current 30 minute show ended. Imagine their surprise when I checked on them 35 minutes later to discover the two of them propped up like little Rajahs on a bunch of pillows and cushions, just lying back and watching another program. They were shocked to see me walk in because Dom had the foresight to lock the bedroom door. Heh Heh Heh. They totally underestimated the power of the Nana!

Once we got them sorted out and settled for the night we broke out the Trivial Pursuit, the Bailey's and some spring rolls and the girls won...barely.
The Man was feeling poorly so he turned in while we stayed up visiting and polishing. Polishing off the Bailey's that is...

Today we hit the mall and did some shopping. Usually I hate shopping...did I ever mention that? Today I was into it...for about 40 minutes which, in fairness, is 30 minutes longer than I usually feel like shopping.

Then, back home where WD coloured the grey out of my hair and took supper to go. The Nameless Man is the most ill I have ever seen him in the 29 years we`ve been together so we decided she should take the boys home before they got whatever it is too.

All in all, a nice visit and like all grandparents worldwide, we were thrilled to see them come and quite happy to see them go.

We are blessed to have great family and friends close by so we can see them regularly. I shudder to think what we would do without them. I also appreciate my blog and online friends. I`ve learned a lot. If you are interested in a weight loss success story, stop by to visit Dawn at http://bbubblyb.blogspot.com/ She is an inspiration to me. She is candid about her ups and downs and just puts it all out there.

Hopefully you`ll enjoy her writings as much as I have.

So Excited!

2009-10-09T14:00:00.007-06:00

WD and the boys are coming to "pleep over" as JC would say. I haven't seen them all week which is like months for me.

WD and I have some catching up to do and the boys are going to get spoiled. Tikki is sensing the excitement and keeps trotting around importantly tuning up his chew toys. He is just waiting for nice fresh boy flesh to sink his baby teeth into.

My tests are in a week and although I'm still a little freaked, I just want to focus on the most Wonderful Daughter and her Amazing Boys.

More later I'm sure since I never seem to run out of drivel like my buddy Baggie. Speaking of Baggie...(see told you...it's an unending stream of drivel) her readers commented they would like to know more about what is served at thanksgiving. I know we all enjoy many delicious things but I'd like to turn to the dark side if I may.

What is the nasty, weird or funny thing your family serves or requests for special meals? In my family, we used to have cranberry sauce out of a can. Lying there, still showing the grooves of the can it came sliding out of like it was a sculpture or something. Yuck. It wasn't until WD showed me how to make cranberry sauce from scratch that I discovered what a delicious thing it is.

In my Inlaws family it is a disgusting concoction I'll leave to WD to tell you about since it was her youth that was scarred. So, it's her story... (Yes, I'm shamelessly pimping for comments!)

P.S. I am trying to get a picture of Tikki up for you. I call it "Before he was a Monster"...

Glass and other inedible objects

2009-10-05T14:29:00.010-06:00

Okay, back again! Finally kicked the ear infection on Saturday morning. Had a great day bumming around with the man I am married to.

It was just wonderful to finally feel good again and get out and about. After a busy morning, we headed out to run errands. I was cold but sunny and I turned up the radio and sang while the Nameless Man cried. Not unusual, he always cries when I sing. Then, cries with relief when I stop.

We had some excitement Thursday evening when Wonderful Daughter called to ask if I had JC's health care card in my files. It turns out she had been having dinner with the Estrogen Crew and JC was nibbling from a bowl of candy. Spying a bowl of gummy bears nearby, he helped himself to one, only to find they were hard so he swallowed it.

Trouble is, it wasn't a gummy bear at all but a piece of scented glass. It's called crystal potpourri and it has many sharp edges and is coated in essential oils for a fruity scent. She took him to the emergency room, where we met them. As she walked in with a baggie of this stuff I thought, "Now why is she bringing jujubes to the hospital?" I would have (and did) try them. They smelled great and tasted nasty. Too bad she has misspent their youth teaching them good manners or he likely would have spit it out instead of swallowing it.

They couldn't x-ray him since it is clear material so she will have to wait and see. He should be fine and has shown no ill effects up until now.

A funny aside, there was poster showing some of the various foreign bodies removed from patients at the children's hospital. There were the usual marbles, coins, buttons, plastic spiders, stickers, safety pins and pen caps. BUT there was also a 8 inch long knitting needle and a children's toothbrush. *gag* I had 3 stepbrothers who thought up new and inventive mischief every single day but really, a knitting needle?

WD actually has quite a bit of medical knowledge and was trying to apologise to the triage nurse that while she knew JC's situation didn't constitute a true emergency, Poison Control told her to bring him in due to the oils on the glass. They reassured her it was fine and recounted the story of a woman who brought in her young son. She stood in the triage line behind 3 other people until she was finally seen. Her son had shoved a Polly Pocket doll up his nose and the leg was still hanging out of his nostril. The triage nurse reached over, took hold of the protruding appendage and gently pulled it out of his nose. She then handed it to his shocked mother and turned her and her son around and sent them home.

Saturday evening was quiet and I went to bed early. WD was doing her weekly baking and made bread, shortbread, pie crusts, a chocolate pie, pie crust "cookies" and cinnamon rolls. She had them all lined up on her island and was going to bag them for the freezer once the last batch of cinnamon rolls had cooled.

The last batch came out of the oven looking great and she put them on the stove top to cool. Then she went into her room to watch tv. When the smoke alarm went off she realized a burner was still on from when she made the glaze. As she raised the pyrex dish to eye level to see how badly the cinnamon rolls had burned it exploded. Fortunately, since it was late at night she was wearing her glasses and it exploded before she got it all the way up to her face. She got burnt from hot bits of glass falling into her shirt front and she cut her arms a bit. The boys were in bed but she found pieces of glass in their room, in her dining room, in her living room and all over her kitchen. She has tile floors so there was no damage, just glass melted into the cinnamon filling and glaze. She also had to throw out every scrap of baking since it was sprayed with glass shards.

We're very thankful. it could have been much, much worse.

Last night we went to dinner with Gordon since Penelope is away. We went to the new Indian restaurant that has opened near our home, the Green Chile. We all enjoyed the food although the vindaloo, which should have been smoking hot, was so mild I could eat it. Then, back to Casa Sparrow for homemade apple pie (Thanks WD it was delicious!) and a game of Trivial Pursuit which I, as the sole representative of the woman's team, lost in a sad display of ineptitude. 3 pies to 6. sheesh...

I don't think Penelope will be speaking to me since we had held the Title for so long. My back was getting sore from wearing that huge championship belt though and I know Penelope was tired of polishing up all our trophies (lol) so I guess there is a bright side.

The men say it wasn't an official game but we'll see what happens once my smarty pants partner is here to hold up her end of things.

I lost at Tri-Bond too. So I was a huge loser...but you already knew that. Heh.

Anyways, hope this all makes sense as I am too rushed to proof, just time to post. I'll try to be a better blogger, honest I will.

Misplaced Sympathy

2009-09-29T13:10:00.011-06:00

You are all very sweet with your concern and such but I feel pretty guilty.

It's time to stop the denial and confront my personal demons/addictions head on. Once again, I'm hoping by making myself accountable to the whole Internet, I will be more accountable for my actions.

"My Name is Lil' Nana and I am an Ear Abuser". *sob*

It all began when I was a kid and my mom brought home a new grooming aid. I remember it as if it was yesterday.

There it was in it's beautiful blue box. It was all new and intriguing with a little drawer that seductively slid open to reveal row upon row of sterile cotton swabs. They were lined up, like little soldiers, waiting to do battle with any errant wax in my ears. Oh sure, there was a disclaimer on the box. Some nonsense about not inserting the swab into your ear. Isn't there a disclaimer on cigarettes too? None of the many helpful uses listed for the swabs included ear wax removal but we all knew what we were there for.

As I moved into puberty, I would employ many, many cotton swabs along with cotton balls soaked with Seabreeze, Bonne Bell Ten-O-Six lotion, Maxon cream and other grooming items. My skin was glowing and zit free. My ears were shining clean chalices fit to absorb every nuance of sound from the BeeGees, Fleetwood Mac and Wings.

I didn't recognize I was getting sucked in deeper even though a large part of my allowance was spent feeding my grooming habits. Soon I was spiralling out of control. I even used a safety pin to seperate my freshly mascaraed eyelashes for a while but the needle was not for me. I was into soft core.

When I married and got a Costco membership, I could buy huge DOUBLE boxes of cotton swabs. I used them on my children, on our various pets over the years and got WD to join me in my madness as she used them to apply makeup and remove nail polish from the skin on the sides of her hairy, Hobbit toes.

(Sorry WD for outing you but I feel I must purge this vileness in one go!)

With an unlimited supply of cotton swabs, I began cleaning my ears several times a day. After all, there were so many of them, 100's in each box. And I had 2 boxes! I got in deeper and deeper, trying to get to the imagined wax without actually puncturing my eardrum or touching my brain. If I couldn't have clean ears at all times, I felt I was nothing, a nobody. Self doubt and loathing consumed me.

Then, I started hiding a baggie of swabs in various spots so I could access them more easily. I had them in the silverware drawer, in my glove compartment, in my night table, in my desk at work, I even purchased a special travel size container to carry in my purse.

If I had stopped at abusing cotton swabs, I probably wouldn't be here before you, confessing today. I would still be coping with and managing my addiction. There were many years when I was a functional abuser. To the outside world I looked groomed and dare I say, somewhat normal, but inside I knew the awful truth. I needed one more swab, one more circle around the outer ear before sucumbing to my most base desires. There would be the oh, so satisfying, inner ear massage.
Oh, I lied to myself plenty, telling myself it would be the last time but then, inevitably, especially if it had been a while since the last time I used there would be a pay off. Yes, I said it. I loved getting a nice bit out of my ear and examining it. It was like a yellow, waxy reward. I would escalate to the point where I would run one end of the swab under the warm water while reserving the other end for drying just to experience the feeling one more time.

But soon, sadly, swabs, even wet swabs weren't enough. I began to stick random objects in my ears. Pens, pencils, tweezers, and yes, even at my lowest point my own car keys. I stopped swabbing in the privacy of my bathroom (and car with the invisible windows)...

I must digress. What is it with those people who pick their nose in their car? I mean, seriously. You are behind glass. We can see you! I hope you didn't pay extra for the NPP (nose picking in privacy) option because they seem to have mistakenly installed two-way glass. See your dealer for details.

I tried to talk about my problem with a couple of close friends. Janey was also an abuser although on an amateur scale. Penelope could not relate to me since when she was a child in Britain her doctor told her to never put "anything larger than an elephant" into her ear canal. Smarmy British Know It All. The doctor, not Penelope.

Nameless Man had resisted my attempts to ensnare him in my madness and went to his doctor for a wax flush from time to time. WD was horrified I would stick these filthy things into my ears. She was also perplexed I seemed to have hooked her youngest child on cotton swabs. His eyelashes would flutter in delight when I cleaned his ears. Oh, I recall that sweet innocence.

I felt alone, unworthy and dejected but I did have clean ears.

After a few minor earaches and then one bad trip where both ears ended up infected at the same time, WD staged an intervention which consisted of her booking me a doctor's appointment and telling me according to the 'net there is so a thing called cotton swab abuse. She told me so. And I bring this on myself. Oh, and to KNOCK IT OFF with the car keys. Especially when driving her car.

The doctor seemed less than surprised, diagnosed eczema in my ears and gave me drops. I tried to stay clean (without actually feeling clean) but I still have relapses from time to time. We don't bring cotton swabs into the house at all anymore. I was about 38 days clean and sometimes sober when I succumbed. Again.

This last relapse has been because I am cat sitting for a client and after being there I feel squwicky. He is a busy lawyer, living alone and he got custody of the two Persian cats in the divorce. He works long crazy hours and the kitties sit around his condo, growing out and then shedding mounds of fine Persian cat hair. I went and groomed them Sunday and hung out with them for an hour and then... when I got home....I rooted around in the bottom of my bathroom vanity drawers....until I found.... a old... overlooked....dirty...non sterile cotton swab.

You know the rest.

I am so ashamed.

If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy!

2009-09-28T23:05:00.003-06:00

Okay, so I had one day without the running head cold that held me in it's death-like grip for a week. Like most illnesses, It wouldn't kill ya, just make you wish you were dead.

Then, I woke up in the night with a terrible earache. My ear canal is swollen and the swelling radiates into my jaw. I cannot talk except thru clenched teeth and I cannot chew. After fasting (not MY idea) all day, the Nameless Man brought me home some chili I couldn't eat and a frosty. Okay, 2 large frostys.

After one frosty and a suitable wait, he ran a cup of chili thru the blender and it was heavenly.

I love that man.

I will catch you up on all my madcap hijinx another day.

Oh, and Bag lLady, if you come and visit here, I need some MRI results if you are divulging... please.

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

2009-09-21T15:05:00.004-06:00

I'm back. Did you miss me? I missed you. What do you mean what did I bring you?

This was a slow weekend. We went to the Inlaws for dinner Saturday. I did the marinating and barbequeing of the steaks. We also brought dessert. WD made fabulous fried broccoli with feta as well as whipping up a batch of corn dogs. I love it when we're invited for dinner and expected to bring it, prepare it and then wash up afterwards.

My MIL has the habit of "inviting" us over for dinner and then when we get elbow deep in the dishwater, she will take apart her stovetop and clean the fridge out so we can do the washing up. She's been pulling this trick for 30 years and I'm pretty tired of it so I took a pass. Is that bad?

We were very bad girls and skipped the dish washing phase of our evening, preferring instead to focus on playing with WD's new KitchenAid mixer (squee !!). She carried it home like a trophy of war and promptly made bread and pastry dough yesterday morning. Today she is making cookies. This despite the fact she is sick with a head cold and humongous canker sores that are causing her all types of pain.

She was kind enough (Wonderful enough) to share her head cold germs and so I spent yesterday and today sitting back, resting and recuperating.

The Changes in the title are the business. We have decided to split up. That's right, WD and I will no longer be the Dynamic Duo. No longer will we be Partners in Grime (and not just because I refuse to stop calling us that despite her begging).

We are going to drop all the extra work we do and only keep our regular weekly or bi-weekly customers. I will manage the gals who provide their cleaning service and Wonderful Daughter will return to the outside work force on a part-time basis.
Without the monthly, 3 weekers and move -in/move-out business there isn't enough to comfortably support us both. So heigh-ho heigh-ho for WD.

I get the best of all this scenario. I get the good clients. I get the girls to deal with and I get JC as my buddy since I will run the biz from her home.

She will get her kids looked after by their crazy nana who thinks fart jokes are funny.
And, maybe some light housekeeping.
I might even play with her mixer and whip up something for dinner once in a while.

Bad Bad LeRoy Brown

2009-09-17T19:16:00.003-06:00

and Fifth Sparrow. Both very, very bad.

But, for different reasons. I'm just a bad blogger. King Kong and the Junkyard Dawg are still badder than me.

I just don't have much to say. For those of you who know me IRL (In Real Life) I'm sure you just spewed something onto your keyboard if you happened to be sipping while reading. Before you cry, "Liar!" let me clarify. I meant I don't have much to say today.

Sometimes I go through these periods. Then I withdraw until a later time. So enjoy your peace and quiet while it lasts.

Oh, before I go, weigh in today was positive although I have already forgotten the numbers. They were good and there was joy in Mudville.

Effective Parenting Tools

2009-09-15T11:14:00.005-06:00

My tried and true parenting methods never vary. They must be pretty darn effective too since I have raised a Wonderful Daughter.
#1 Son is still a work in progress...heh.

WD has been procrastinating on a very important job. (No, I don't know where she got that trait from!!) Taxes need to be done on a regular basis. But they are a pain in the nether regions, especially since she does her own, her father's, mine and the business taxes.

So I have decided to pull out one of my two parenting tools to motivate her. Since she truly is Wonderful, I can't use tool number one, Blackmail. Darn. That's a personal fave and always worked with her brother.

Back up plan: Bribery. Since she loves to bake bread (and everything else) we realize she needs a bigger, better mixer. Her kitchen won't hold a Hobart, so we are buying her a KitchenAid stand mixer.
All she has to do is 1) finish, 2) submit and 3) pay those stinking taxes first.

I'm hopeful this will work, although I must admit she is strong-willed.
Case in point...When she was about 12, I decided I had had enough of picking up after the kids all the time so I gathered their stuff into one box and waited until they came home from school.
I informed them I was now the owner of their belongings in the box and they must use their allowance money to get their stuff back. .25 per item.
WD soberly examined the contents of the box. She reached in, picked out 2 hair clips and a library book. Then she informed me, "Keep 75 cents from my next allowance and...I really don't need any of the rest of this stuff. You can keep it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sure wish "someone" would send me an email and tell me how to move pictures down my posts...I hate having them all at the top.

Thank you for being a friend

2009-09-14T10:54:00.018-06:00

travelled down the road and back again
Your heart is true,
you're a pal and a confidant...

We had a very nice weekend with our friends. True blue friends are difficult to come by and we are blessed with several.

My "sister from another mother", Janey and her hubby had us over on Saturday night for a wonderful Greek feast with pork and chicken souvlaki, tzatziki, lemon rice, Greek salad with tomatoes from their garden and homemade apple pie for dessert! They have a back yard that should be in a magazine and we sat out, enjoying the garden, the few stars we can see in the city and listening to her brother play his guitar and sing for us. We had a great, relaxing time. I didn't drink and was the designated driver to get us both home. We had a few chuckles about me nursing a ginger ale all night and I informed them I was having champagne. It says right on the label it`s the champagne of ginger ales.
As we went to get into our vehicle, my high heel stuck in a low spot on the newly sodded boulevard and I went down like a sack of potatoes. I had my hands full and my purse unzipped and stuff flew. I called out to the Nameless Man on the other side of the minivan, `Help`. Suddenly a young lady came running over, followed by her boyfriend and they picked me up, got me back on my feet and retrieved the articles that had flown out of my purse upon impact. No feminine products thank goodness. They dusted me off, asked me repeatedly if I was okay and once I`d reassured them I was, in fact, sober and unhurt they left as I climbed into the van. To find my loyal spouse sitting, gazing unconcernedly out the front windshield, waiting for me to get in. Too funny!!!
Guess I'd better learn to recognize my champagne of ginger ales limit. They say acknowledging you have a problem is the first step towards recovery.

Yesterday, we went to Penelope and Gordon`s for an excellent Indian meal of 3 different curries, saffron rice, nan, salad and a blueberry crisp for dessert. Gordon made the curry and had taught us how to do it. We try to duplicate his curries but he is the master. Perhaps being born in India and raised in Britain is the secret? A rousing game of Trivial Pursuit followed as always and I'm proud to announce we gals retained our championship belt and are undefeated. Penelope carried me, as always but is gracious enough to pretend I'm a little trivial too.
Gordon announced during dessert he loves huckleberries so now I have to search and see if we can get those here. It's a long drive to BagLady's methinks. And I am scared of finding out what a bear does in the woods or in the huckleberry bushes.
I'm not close with my siblings or mother and having these friends is our family. Family we chose ourselves in my humble opinion is the very best kind. Especially when they are as hospitable as our friends are!

Just a Small Town Girl

2009-09-13T12:18:00.016-06:00

Funny to think both the Nameless Man and I were born in,and went to Grade One together ,in this tiny little town. Our mothers worked at the hospital together and had coffee together on their day off but we didn't really get to know each other until I was 18. After our unforgettable Grade One experience, his family moved to the big city of Saskatoon, Sask..

Fortunately, they soon returned to our beautiful province and settled in Calgary where our paths crossed many years later.

My family remained behind, in Cardston until I was 12. It was a great place to grow up, even if you weren`t a Mormon. In those days, it was the site of the only Mormon temple in Canada so the town was predominately LDS. No booze sold within a 40 mile radius. At least, not legally. This was an inconvenience for my family members, but being of resourceful, pioneer stock, they had long since adapted to their environment.

It was fun growing up in a small town where you knew almost everyone. I was always thrilled on cold winter days when Don Remington (who was my great grandpa`s neighbour once we moved into town) would come to the school with a horse drawn wagon and take kids from his side of town home from school. He also had a stagecoach parked outside his home and we were welcome to play in it or the genuine Indian teepee whenever we wanted.

The temple was built on a hill so you could see it from almost everywhere in town. At night, when it was all lit up, along with the male members of my family, it was quite a spectacle. Actually, only my step-father had an alcohol problem, 3 of my grandfathers were social drinkers and the other one was a practicing Mormon. But you could depend the annual spectacle of my step-father getting roaring drunk and knocking over the Christmas tree as much as you could depend on the temple to stay up there on the hill.

Still, family turmoils aside, all in all I thought it was the greatest town on earth and when we moved to the foothills south of Calgary when I was in Grade 7, I thought my heart would surely break. That summer I relocated myself to the Okanagan to live with my dad. Then my heart and spirit mended quite nicely.

Song Sung Blue

2009-09-12T13:23:00.003-06:00

I am a huge Neil Diamond fan. Or, should I say I hugely enjoy the singing of Neil Diamond? I'm trying to find a way to say I love the music of Neil Diamond without looking like a plus-sized woman. heh. heh.

Since his songs are now played as elevator music, I regularly embarrass the stuffing out of WD in Wal-Mart, the grocery store, the optometrist and anywhere else "Sweet Caroline" is played. You see, I am of the opinion that we MUST all chime in (loudly) on the Bah, Bah, Bum's after he warbles, "sweeeet Car-o-liiine". And so I do. I chime right in. Loudly. Everywhere.

So I will be strolling toward you in Safeway, pushing my overloaded cart with the wonky wheel and, as we draw abreast near the pasta sauce I will suddenly belt out, "Bah Bah Bum" to accompany the overhead music.

There are two, no three, consequences of this obsession of mine:
1) WD cannot stand the song stylings of Mr. Diamond
2) Anytime "Sweet Caroline" comes over any speaker she immediately scurries away, putting at least 50 feet between us.
3) I am no longer allowed in the 37th street Wal-mart. One of their assistant managers has jumpy nerves and no appreciation for the classics.

The past few days I have had lots of songs running through my head in a loop. Some oldies, some goldies, some truly fabulous stuff but this morning, I woke up after another mostly sleepless night to "Life is a Cabaret".

I have been wallowing in a little depression due to the unexpected news from the doctor but that's done now.

"What good is sitting alone in your room? Life is a holiday!"

So, I will take a deep breath, realize I didn't get a death sentence, just a little set back. I will take my prescriptions, I will cut down on the cleaning (danggit), the caffeine, the little exercise I get and I will relax and wait for concrete news following the latest tests.

I will also stop lying in bed at night, mentally rewriting my will and doling out my pathetically few sentimental possessions in my head.

I'm going to focus on the cabaret.

Bah Bah Bum, good times never seemed so good.

Hacking In...

2009-09-11T14:26:00.007-06:00

Uninvited guest "Wonderful Daughter" here again.

You may have noticed I backed off the blog comments. Mom did, and asked why, and I lied. Told her I had nothing to say, though the truth is that I think she needs an outlet that doesn't involve me or my kids or he-who-will-not-allow-himself-to-be-mentioned. Something & somewhere just for her.

I'm breaking in today to let you know what's going on with her heart, she's too tired/depressed to do it and I don't think it's right to leave you worrying.

She has exertional angina, meaning when she exerts herself her heart does not get enough oxygen due to plaque build up in her arteries. She gets chest pain and it can lead to a heart attack. The doctor said it's unusual for someone her age (48) to have heart disease, so she has more tests later this month and next month, including a thallium test where they inject you with radioactive material that allows them to take pictures of the heart and track how much oxygen is getting to it after exertion and at rest.

She has been given very strict instructions about what activities she can & can't do, and is basically not allowed to do anything that exerts or stresses her body in any way. She has a nitro spray to take if the pain starts, and instructions that if the nitro doesn't work do not mess around and call an ambulance immediately.

The doctor seemed concerned about caffeine so mom has stopped taking the Apidexin because it contains stimulants. At this point she is not allowed to change her diet or exercise at all without prior approval from her doctor, which she can't get until after all the tests have been done.

She's understandably freaked out, but I'll encourage her to log in and post later.

Katie.

Alzheimers

2009-09-10T22:35:00.002-06:00

I haven't forgotten you. Although I did forget Weigh In Thursday again.
It seems inconsequential, my scale was soooo wrong. I weighed 201.25 at the cardiologist on Wednesday. I thought I was down in the low 190's.

And, I didn't get great news there at the doctor.

So I'm processing that and will be back tomorrow.
No worries.

I'm a skeered

2009-09-09T10:44:00.005-06:00

I'm off to my cardio stress test in an hour. I'm pretty scared. I'm sure hundreds of people a day have these things quite successfully but... An acquaintance went for one and dropped dead on the treadmill.

So, I'm doing what I do best, which is worry....

In other news,

I discovered Apidexin is also a fat burner which explains how I lose weight even though I'm not very active yet.

My floors are very dusty and in need of my immediate attention but I must work this afternoon.

Yet another employee has quit. We had BOTH her and her husband working full time for $20 an hour each and she quit with NO freaking notice.

The Man Who Shall Remain Nameless wants to purchase annual memberships at a nearby fitness facility. I like to swim and he is a gym rat. I checked on prices yesterday and they are $1,100 for a family pass. Or, $5 per visit if you go at 9:30 at night.

Yikes.

Long Weekend Recap

2009-09-08T12:47:00.007-06:00

Well, Cousin has been and gone and a great time was had by all.

Yesterday, we spent 4 hours at the Calgary Zoo. It was neat to see it through his eyes. And, what sharp eyes he has! At each exhibit, I usually have to stand for a minute or two to see the inhabitants. Not Cousin, he'd walk up and casually announce, "there's an owl in behind that tree and two more up in the tree on the left".

Exhibits that have always stumped me, like "there are 8 frogs in this aquarium, how many do you see?" were a cinch for Cousin. Previously, I had been sure there was a hidden camera with zoo staff laughing at me behind the scenes because, in reality, there were only the 5 frogs I could find in the whole tank. But. like an idiot I had stood there 10 minutes looking for the fictitious 3.

Wonderful Daughter and I had a relaxing afternoon since both guys took a turn pulling the wagon. Usually, she has to shlep it all over since pulling it puts my back out. Or, at least, that's the excuse I give her.

In exciting news, the zoo now has wild turkeys roaming freely, just like the peacocks. They are so pretty with black and white speckled feathering. I love birds! I was excited to see last year's peacock chicks wandering about this year. We went to see the raptors but it is sad to see them caged.

Saturday, we went to the BBQ on the Bow Festival. It was a snooze-fest; but the little boys went wading at Prince's Island and we had a nice stroll around. Saturday night we had a rib BBQ at WD's and watched a movie on her projection tv.

Sunday, we all went to the Farmer's Market for brunch, then up the Calgary Tower. I really loved the Tower this time. Maybe it's because we live close to downtown and can easily pick out the different buildings. WD even picked out our condo building from up there, using the telescope.

We made a curry and butter chicken with saffron rice, papadums and nan for dinner, then went to Movie in the Park for the last time this year. It's just too dang cold at night to sit out there for 2 hours. After the movie, WD took her boys home and the 3 of us came back to our place to watch old Sci-Fi movies until we couldn't keep our eyes open.

Cousin is a 4th year apprentice and is usually up at 5 a.m. to go to work, so staying up past 11 is foreign to him. And, let's face it, we're getting old, so anything after 1 a.m. is going to kill us the next day.

So, all in all, a great time was had by all. He will come again in November when the ski resorts open. We can't wait!

The Wolf at the Door

2009-09-04T15:00:00.012-06:00

When I was about 3 or 4, my dad would come stay for the odd weekend.

For those just tuning in, my parents divorced when I was 18 months old and my sister and I went to live with my dad's grandparents while my mom went back to school.

So, when my fun loving, silly dad would come stay we would get to sleep in his basement bedroom if we promised to be good and go to sleep.

Of course we promised.

Of course we didn't sleep.

He would show cartoon "movies" which basically amounted to sliding a cartoon celluloid strip past the bulb in a glorified flashlight. Kind of like a View Master, but more basic. We didn't care. It was just great to hang out and spend some time with him.

My dad couldn't just show the cartoon, though. He'd show it upside down. We'd lie on the bed with our heads hanging off the edge and watch the slides while he narrated the action. Same slides every time but always a different story to go with them.

Or, we'd have contests to see who could jump the highest on his old iron bed. I remember being allowed to cheat by hanging onto the wrought iron headboard for maximum height. We would also jump from the headboard onto the bed. With him standing by, ready to catch us but also giving encouragement and pointers on technique and form.

His visits were always way too short and way too much fun. We had lots of good times with Dad. Yesterday I spent the day in bed and I remembered one night we all got into big trouble. Major league trouble.

It was dark and we were cozy under the blankets and he was telling one of his really great stories. This one was about how he had gotten lost when he was walking in the woods one cold, dark night.
We listened, trembling with fear as he told of how scared he was as he stumbled along, branches scratching his face and eerie noises so close to him he thought something was right beside him.

We were so immersed in the story we actually felt his relief as he found a small cave he could seek shelter in while waiting for the morning light. We were bursting with pride he was able to start a little fire using a method taught to him by an Indian chief. But then, we held our breath as he saw the lights in the forest. As they got closer, he was horrified to realize they were the eyes of animals drawing closer to his fire. We were horrified too!

Not just any animals approached. It was wolves, huge ravenous timber wolves! We shivered with terror as he told of his frantic search for something, anything he could use as a weapon to fend off the hundreds, no thousands of wolves that came stealthily closer. We gasped as he described their wild howls and their teeth gleaming in the firelight as they got closer and closer.

And we screamed in horror when the wolves pounced and ATE OUR DAD.

Yup, that`s right. My crazy tease of a father told a 5 year old and a 3 year old he was eaten by wolves. We screamed and screamed and no matter how he shushed us, he couldn`t calm us down. No matter how fast he talked and tried to explain he was right there, we were certain the wolves ate our dad.

Then, he heard a sound that struck icy terror in his own heart. My great-grandma was on her way downstairs.
He would have preferred to really face the wolves.

Even years later, she`d shake her head and cluck her tongue in disgust whenever we laughingly remembered the time the wolves ate our dad.

~~~~~~~~
Yesterday was weigh in day but I had a migraine and forgot all about it. Today the scales were down one pound. I'll take it! A loss is a loss.

Cousin is coming down for the weekend and we have plans to go to the zoo and movie in the park (for the last time this year). Wonderful Daughter and I are very excited and can't wait for his visit. I'd better go get this place cleaned up.

If I ever catch Tikki to finish his grooming, I'll post the "After" picture.

Have a great weekend and watch out for wolves. Or bears as the case may be.

Productive Days.

2009-09-01T17:00:00.013-06:00

BEFORE
I feel so much more energized now that I've lost a little weight. It's only 10 pounds but my energy level is so much better. I'm loving this!

Although I haven't slept well the past two nights, I'm not groggy and lethargic like I would normally be. I've actually done more each day than I ordinarily accomplish. Today I met with a realtor to see if we wanted to become his new cleaning team.

He invited me to meet for coffee, showed up late, after I'd ordered, didn't have a coffee and then stiffed me to pay for my own. Although I made it clear to him we had done an additional hour's work at one of his client's and then Dom and I went back on Saturday, he didn't offer compensation for that either. I didn't expect to be paid for my time but do have to pay our people another $20 for their extra hour of work in the house.

What do y'all think? Think we'll accept work from him in the future? Let's see...for $25 he has chiseled his way out of great cleaning services.

I don't understand people who are cheap. Maybe I over pay... I mean, we did tip our waitress about 25% on Sunday night but what's a couple bucks really? It made her night. She was so effusive in her thanks, it was almost embarrassing.

That Moxie's is right by our house, so if we go in again, maybe she will recognize us and we'll get the same great service? If not, maybe it helped make up for the jokers who are under the impression pretty young girls work as waitresses so married guys can make inappropriate remarks to them. The service industry is tough. I've worked in it for too many years. Why try to cheap out when dealing with others? That said, this June was the first time in my entire life I didn`t leave a tip for a waitress and now I did it again when we got the raw meat served to us at Phil`s. Is a trend developing?
We decided not to pursue the Global TV thing. The information package they sent out to us portrayed women in a manner we didn't much care for. Case in point: One picture was of a woman in an itsy bitsy American flag bikini with obvious augmentation. Poorly done too, I might add. Her head was chopped off so you could focus on the really important parts of the photo. Another picture was a beautiful woman lying on her animal print chaise with a Bellini in hand. Another had an unfortunate looking, very plain and dowdy woman (not gorgeous) eating a salad. I can't recall the last pic. I was just left with a bad taste in my mouth. WD and I agreed that's not how it had been presented initially and we don't want to associate with that culture.

Today, I chased Tikki the stubborn half-pink poodle around to try and finish his clipping. I'm cutting off the old, pink growth to reveal apricot poodle underneath. He's about 3/4 done now and looks like a freak. (Don't tell him I said that. It's hard on his self esteem). The way he bites and squirms and carries on, you'd think I'm performing the snip-snip he will get done later this month without the benefit of anesthesia. (DON'T tell about that either!! We really want it to be a surprise).

He doesn't read my blog. He finds it boring. He only reads Bag lady's cattle talk. I think he has a crush on Princess.

So far today, I have drank my water, racked up 4 miles on my pedometer for bathroom trips, lol and I'm making a healthy chili for dinner. My clothes are still fitting better (looser) and my abdomen is definitely flatter. I also noticed some lumps of fat I had in my thighs (not cellulite) are shrinking.

All in all, I recommend Apidexin for a boost on the weight loss wagon. The second shipment just came so we can all stay on it.

Weigh in day is two days away. So, we shall see.

Insomnia sucks

2009-08-31T02:38:00.007-06:00

I didn't even drink coffee or Coke. Those are usually the culprits. Guess I just have a lot on my mind.

We had a super weekend. My cleaning partner got married. We didn't go, staying home to babysit Thing 1 and Thing 2 for Wonderful daughter so she could go with the Estrogen Crew.

JC refused to sleep over so she ended up coming to pick up both boys at midnight. Dome even wanted to go home but only because his nana was unhappy with him. We started off well, he even came to work with me Saturday afternoon.

His terms for coming to dust baseboards was one slurpee and one box of ice cream bars. That's a bit more than I pay my cleaning partner but he's so much cuter than she is, I readily agreed.
I ended up having heart palpatations at the end of the job so his treat was postponed a bit. But he did get his payment. The problems started when we ran the gift to the wedding reception and then took the boys to Mickey D's for dinner and the playplace.
Dom just wouldn't listen the way he usually does and I ended up telling him off for it. Usually he is very good and very obedient. So, for us to be at loggerheads was upsetting for us both.

The long and short of it was, when he heard JC was getting picked up, he decided to go home too.

Sunday we had a belated 29th wedding anniversary dinner at Moxie's. It was pretty good. they are not my favorite restaurant by any stretch of the imagination and I've actually boycotted the one by our home but they recently renovated so we decided to walk over. It's a 3 minute walk from our condo.

We had their bruschetta, wine, caesars (for moi) and I had the salmon and he had the vindaloo beef. We enjoyed the conversation and great service. It was a nice way to celebrate 29 years of putting up with each other and 4 years of wedded bliss. (I'm paraphrasing here). lol

Next year, we might have a little shindig since we ended up cancelling the plans for our 25th anniversary due to some family issues at the time. Ah, drama drama.

Anyways, I had more energy to get up and go this past weekend and my clothes are definitely looser. I love my Apidexin. Wait, did I already say that??

Goals for this week, besides getting to bed a t a decent hour include more water each day, keeping a food (calorie) journal and continuing to walk Mr Tikki every day. Oh yeah, and to clip the bad boy pink poodle too.

Sounds like a full week!

Just Call Me Mrs. Big - Shot.

2009-08-28T11:17:00.007-06:00

Well, well, well. Interesting tidbit of news today.

Yesterday we got a call from a company developing a new show for Global. It will be all about women's issues. Childcare, office politics, cosmetic surgery, ageing, health issues, weight loss, leisure time, relationships and... house cleaning.

For some reason, they have chosen us as a company to possibly do a segment on their show. Apparently we come across as having good customer service and professionalism. I can't help but wonder which one of our obviously deluded or drunken customers told them that?

It's all very up in the air at the moment but don't worry, when I know, you'll know. Wonderful Daughter and I have some logistics to work out. They would also want to film on location and since the office is my living room, that would entail having a client approve us in their home.

Right now we're just examining the information package they sent over yesterday.

WD is jazzed and full speed ahead.

I must admit, I'm terrified. If we got an influx of business, we DO NOT have the staff to handle it. Heck, I can't even schedule jobs in a competent manner. I don't want us to look like buffoons...

Eeeek!

In other late breaking developements, the shampooing of the bedroom carpets has now been completed. You can now return to your regularly scheduled program.

Have a great weekend.

Same, Same on Me

2009-08-27T09:58:00.003-06:00

Weigh In day: Same, no loss, but...more importantly, no gain.

Slowly getting my act together this morning, then heading up to Wonderful Daughter's so she can finish our taxes for the quarter.

How exciting!

At least there's no bear tracks causing excitement in my life...

Wednesday Hump Day

2009-08-26T20:46:00.007-06:00

Tikki and I got lost on the way to a new client's home today. That wouldn't be so bad but our new employee was following in her van.

Oh well, that's what I get for letting a poodle drive. They are so busy looking over the cute puppies in other cars they don't watch the road signs. That and the fact the city road map showed roads that don't link up to each other.

Another friend is in the hospital, this time for a gall bladder attack. We went this evening to visit but she had just gone into surgery. I went to the greenhouse today and had them make a succulent plant bowl with plants I was able to pick out myself. It was so nice and such a good price, compared to cut flowers, I don't think I'll ever take flowers again.

Our friend's hospital room was so full already, they asked us to take the plant home until she's discharged. If they only knew how tough it's going to be to get it back from me...
Except, I have a black thumb and it's too pretty to die a cruel and unusual death on my countertop.

I've accidentally triple booked us for tomorrow. I've made some calls to try and rebook, offering a free hour of cleaning if they will take us up on it. Should be interesting.

Wonderful Daughter is going to kill me. Someday I'll learn to use our scheduling software, I swear!

We took her and the boys out to dinner tonight. The food was horrible, cold, heat-lamp baked and WD's meat was raw in the center. We sent back our two meals and after everyone else ate, we walked to a nearby Vietnamese place and got take out for the two of us.

I love living on the "Red Mile" everything is so close by.

WD's kids were cute at dinner. JC has no indoor volume on his voice and Dom talks non-stop careening from subject to subject so fast you can't keep up. The adults exchange amused glances over their heads and treasure up the cute stuff they say.

Yesterday JC was supposed to be taking a nap. He'd been laying down about an hour when Dom said something too loudly in the hallway outside his bedroom.
Suddenly JC yelled, "Quiet Dom! Jacey pleeping in heour!!"

WD had lots of compliments for me tonight. Apparently, my upper arms are looking smaller as well as my upper back. No word on Shirley dwindling down to nothing...yet.

Tomorrow is weigh in day.

Day Off Part Two

2009-08-25T22:02:00.018-06:00

The best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry, or so they say.

The three of us, Tikki and I and the man I am married to (who does NOT want to be mentioned in my blog!!) walked to a trendy little yuppie cafe and sat out on the patio. We enjoyed a muffin and a tea for me. OJ and muffin for that man. Total price $10.00, Crazy, eh? Tikki enjoyed a quarter of my pumpkin muffin and that man had the other quarter. I just have no appetite with the Apidexin.

I had vacuumed before we left in preparation to shampoo carpets and steam the hardwood when we returned but then we decided to go for a drive first.

We dropped off Tikki and went to run a couple errands while we debated checking out the new Crossirons Mills mall in Balzac. I hate walking around a mall, I think I'm on record as having said that before. Then I remembered that Bed Bath and Beyond is also in Chinook mall so we went there.

My memory is faulty as usual and there wasn't a BBB in Chinook but there was a Bath and Bodyworks where I scored 6 bottles of warm vanilla hand soap for only $25 (regular price $33) and some nice warm vanilla shower gel and body cream. That was on sale, buy two, get one free so I scored again! The man who shall remain nameless bought some special hand cream with parrafin since the skin over his knuckles cracks open from the dryness here on the prairies. He has tried all kinds of creams and has yet to find the magic formula. Unfortunately, the stuff he chose is scented so it probably won't be magic either.

I popped into Sephora and bought Wonderful Daughter some Cake products to celebrate her recent weight loss. No calories in that Cake, just yummy smelling shower gels and creams. I wish you all could see her, she really has worked hard and it shows.

Then, we drove back downtown to a men's wear store so he could get a few golf shirts on sale. While he was trying on his choices, I decided he could take me out for lunch to our favorite Mexican restaurant which was back down in the south end of the city again.

Imagine our surprise when we got there, only to discover it is under renovation and will be reopening in September as a Greek restaurant! We already have two favorite Greek restaurants, depending on what we want to spend. One has a patio and one doesn't, which is also important when making our selection.

I called WD to ask for a Mexican suggestion. When she and her soon-to-be-ex husband were together, they used to eat out a minimum of 3 times a week. She knows her restaurants and quickly gave me 3 suggestions. It was a good thing she was quick because my cell went dead before I got addresses. We ended up at a little hole in the wall place that had really great, authentic Mexican food and we enjoyed every bite. We'll be sure to go there again soon.

The man wanted to go out to Crossirons Mills and look at a Kitchen Aid stand mixer for WD but I was ready to come home since it was 4:30 by this time. Wonderful Daughter bakes all her own bread each week as well as buns, cinnamon buns, rolls and pizza crusts. She has my old stand mixer since I rarely bake in bulk like she does. But we think she really needs a professional model. My mixer just can't do the capacity she needs. So, we're checking out prices and models and features. It's going to be quite a process. Maybe they will go on sale by then. Or, I could cash in 53,000 Visa Reward Points. (I'd rather save them towards airfare for a much needed holiday though.)

So, no wild and crazy times shampooing carpets after all today. Just a nice day to rest and relax. I didn't even have to worry about making supper because we were both too stuffed from our nice lunch. I've been spoiled today. The man was concerned about my little episode last week and decided to take two days off to spend with me. I adore him, whoever he is...

I've heard it said, "Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it." So, I'll try to get to the bedrooms later this week. The beauty of housework is that it can always wait.

Unless your in-laws are coming for a visit...

Day Off

2009-08-25T10:24:00.005-06:00

Today I unexpectedly have the day off. Wonderful Daughter has hired someone new so she gets to take my jobs this week. My partner is off all week attending to last minute wedding details.
So I'm going to go all crazy wild and do something I haven't done in far too long. That's right, you guessed it! I'm going to shampoo the bedroom carpets. Outrageous, right?

I know, I like living on the edge. First though, I'm going to take Mr. Tikki for a walk to Tim Horton's for a coffee. Just one for me. he gets too wired on caffeine. He was playing possum while I was vacuuming. He wouldn't appear no matter how I coaxed or called. Finally I knocked on our front door and he gave a little woof so I knew where he had gone into hiding. Sure enough, he had a piece of saran wrap under there that he stole out of the garbage. Little brat!

More later. Let's just say, I'm feeling great today and the Apidexin is working again. My abdomen feels better and I feel smaller across my rib cage. Thursday will tell the story though.

Better Day

2009-08-24T18:37:00.009-06:00

Wonderful Daughter and I had a productive day. We both had to go out and clean. Fortunately, the shock wasn't too much for her system and we got a huge move-out clean done in good time. We actually finished a few minutes early. It's been a long time since we have had to do a clean together but we got right back into the rhythm.

She used to be so funny when we first started working together. I was always on her case about walking down the stairs without carrying supplies or garbage or something. The funniest was always when I would come huffing and puffing into a room to find her calmly checking out a sales flyer or perusing the headlines on the newspaper. Then, words would be exchanged but I always had to laugh at her. I'd treat each job as a life or death challenge and she viewed it as an opportunity to see sales flyers she didn't get at her house.

It didn't take us long to decide to leaver her in the office manning the phones and dealing with the staff while I took a partner with me since I like to clean.

Since my health has deteriorated the past two years, she tries to limit my working days but I still sneak my partner and I onto the schedule when I can.

My partner gets married this weekend, which coincidentally is my 29th wedding anniversary too. After that, we'll see how much she wants to work.

All in all, I had a better day today and look forward to continuing improvement. Weigh in is on Thursday so I've got a good goal to work toward.

Sunday Offerings

2009-08-23T12:02:00.011-06:00

Tikki, the Ice Breaker

We had a great day yesterday. If you're not on a diet that is...

Wonderful Daughter and I went to the dollar store and spent way too much on glow bracelets, sparklers and glow sticks. We were on our way to Movie in the Park again.

WD's Estrogen Crew came over for a steak dinner and then we headed over to the park. Too bad we didn't take the address with us, instead relying on my sketchy memory. After driving around for 20 minutes, we came back to the condo and got my laptop only to discover it was less than 8 blocks from my place and we had driven within a block of it twice.

Duh.

The bad news was, I didn't get a chance to visit with the friend I'd arranged to meet there. The good news was, it was dusky enough to hand out the glowing booty right away and the kids had a ball. In addition to WD's two boys, there were 3 more boys and one cute, chubby little baby girl. We were able to light up the kids and pass a few bracelets around to others (and dogs).

The sparklers wouldn't light again...sheesh. We only got two to light up so there were disappointed kids in that regard. I sent home the packages of sparklers with them, Hopefully they'll have more success.

The great news was, there was an indoor bathroom so no sanitizing wipes or flashlights were needed!

In addition to the 5 of us adults, Gordon and Penelope were there, their daughter in law, Kelly with her 2 kids, some new friends, Duane and Lisa and their 2. We had a ball.

Hopefully we can get to one more showing before it gets too cold to sit out there. My mother in law is is Saskatchewan right now, but I know she'd love to go again at least one more time.

In addition to special coffee for the adults, we had tiger brownies, mini eclairs, peach fuzzy navels, no wait, they were called fuzzy peaches, Kernels gourmet popcorn, diet Pepsi and lots of other goodies (baddies). I was pretty good. I split an eclair with Tikki and had one brownie.

Tikki was a big hit, since he is still dyed pink and the Breast Cancer folk were there doing some fund raising. Several of the ladies commented on his pink hair and wanted photos of him.

(Kelly won a nice prize basket from them.) I love taking my pink poodle out and about. He opens the door to very nice conversations with fellow dog lovers... Others steer clear of me, since I've clearly lost my marbles.

We had a ball, the movie "Up" was great for all ages and I was left much more encouraged.

I have a great group of friends.

WD's E.Crew are the greatest gals ever and she is blessed to have them in her life. They spoil her boys rotten. They need some spoiling after everything they've been through with the divorce and all.

It came out during dinner conversation when WD puts the boys to bed, the E. Crew goes to where ever in the house they can hear the giggling the clearest and have fits of giggles themselves. Then, they make friendly bets with each other as to how long until WD comes in the bedroom to threaten separation, spankings, bodily injury and other dire consequences if the boys don't quiet down and go to sleep.

The boys know, other than separation, it just ain't gonna happen so the giggling starts as soon as WD walks back down the hall. The Estrogen Crew find this all hilarious. ...Did I mention they are childless?

I love that they enjoy the little guys so much. It's such a good arrangement all around. I feel like I have two new daughters. Who are definitely less sassy than WD!

So, I feel I'm pulled right out of the latest funk. I need to focus on my hand-made family and stop giving the biological misfits any space in my head.

How`s your weekend going?

Rejoining the Human Race

2009-08-21T21:12:00.002-06:00

Okay, I went to bed for awhile (6 hours) and am a bit more human now. Thanks for the kind comments.

I'll be back to being my usual self in tomorrow's post.

Backsliding

2009-08-21T10:51:00.015-06:00

The problem with over eating is that you do it for the dumbest reasons. Some people can't eat when they are stressed. Some people can't eat when they are overly tired.

I, unfortunately can eat anytime. Upset, pass me a sweet. Unhappy, let's load up some carbs. having a wonderful time, add in alcohol and clean those plates off.

Yesterday started out well and then went South. Actually waaaay south. To Hell in the proverbial handbasket.

So, I fixed them all I tells ya! I ate. And ate. And ate. And...well, you get the picture.

I don't know if there is enough Apidexin in the whole world to fix this.

I walk a pretty fine chemical line with my anti-depressants. I forgot to take them Wednesday and slept at Wonderful daughter's last night without my pills (or C-pap machine) so I was out of sorts.

Add in a few outside pressures and boom. Calorie-fest.

Last night, after the BBQ, I was questioned about the "Fifth Sparrow" moniker I have adopted. It's pretty tough to explain that, because you have to continually remind yourself that you are of value, you relate to that 5th little bird. Dredges up some serious crud I tells ya!

I think it's not totally me, it's the chemical imbalance in my brain but wow-ee some days are hard.

Dawn asked how my relationship with my mother and sister is these days. I can tell you in one word.

Non-existent.

I have an older sister, a half sister who is 6 years younger and a half brother who is 8 years younger. None of them want anything to do with me.

They have taken my inventory, found me sadly lacking and cast me aside. We don't speak.

The second last time I saw my mother, she assaulted me with intent. She clawed up my throat as she tried to choke me and gouge my eyes with her thumbs.

I don't recall the last time I saw my older sister. Hmmmm, no clue. It's been a lot of years. She skipped my beloved great grandmother's funeral. And I only find out when other family passes away if I read the obituaries for our small hometown. No one calls to tell me.

My younger sister came to my home approximately 10 years ago to pick up a car I gave her in exchange for a dollar.

No clue when I saw my brother last.

I have never met 1 of my 2 nephews or 2 of my 3 nieces. When I celebrated Christmas, they wouldn't invite us or, if they did, there would be no presents for my children although there was an avalanche of gifts for my niece.

I read about families. I see families. How dysfunctional they are. All the fighting and drama. All the turmoil. They fight, they make up. They laugh and cry. They talk about each other, they choose sides, they work out their weird dynamic.

I see my friend's families. How they do all that and work it out, somehow, eventually. My siblings and mom do that. Just not with me.

I'm not even worth that to my family. They do not want me. Period.

I made my choice. I went to BC at age 12 and lived with my dad. I abandoned them and for that, I was cast out.

And, like I said. It was worth it. Like Groucho Marx said, "I don't want to join a club that would have me as a member."

Seriously, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes.

So, I struggle. With chemicals, with emotions, with life.

Once, years ago, when I was crying over it, I rhetorically asked WD, "What is wrong with me, that my own mother doesn`t love me?!"

And her wise answer, at age 12, "What's wrong with you? What the heck is wrong with a mother who can't love her own child?"

This sounds like a pity party but it's not. I have a great group of friends. They are my family. Handpicked and cherished.

And I have my marriage of 29 years, Wonderful Daughter, her boys and my son, his wife and now, a new granddaughter.

So I have it all, really!

I don't know if this post even makes sense but, hey, you should be used to me by now!

Let me go on the record to say...

2009-08-20T21:36:00.001-06:00

Many might wonder "Why the Fifth Sparrow?"

Simply, the price for four sparrows to offer as sacrifice was set.

Then, a fifth sparrow was thrown in for free, as though it was of no value. However, we know, not even a sparrow falls to the ground that God is not aware of.

This blog is not political or religious in nature. It is simply my struggle with weight loss, depression and self-esteem.

For your enjoyment.

Weighty Thoughts

2009-08-20T15:51:00.012-06:00

Hey you all! Okay, the 2 or 3 of you who have yet to get a life...seriously, I'm even boring to myself.

With trepidation I approached the scale this morning. Recalling those cinnamon buns Wonderful Daughter tried to send home with me. "For Dad. You don't have to eat them!"

I "forgot" them.

He went and picked them up.

Can I really blame him? If I wasn't dieting I'd drive across town for her baking too.

So, I only had one. One Big one. The girl makes each bun the size of a salad plate. It's very unfair.

Don't get me started on the loaves of homemade bread she sends home with him each week.

But, I digress. So without further ado....I lost 2 whole pounds. That's PDG* for me!

I was so happy, I leaped off the scale and did the dance of joy which apparently is poodle code for Attack your Master.

I'm at WD's now. She has kept me prisoner today while we clean her house. Thank goodness she moved to a much smaller place and thank goodness Thing 1 and Thing 2 are getting better about cleaning up after themselves.

Jace thinks I'm a miserable old bag. I gave him a cloth and set him to work cleaning up after himself. After the obligatory initial resistance, he got into it.
"Lookit Mom-ee-ah, Jace wash walls all bedder. Washa lye-ens offa walls. Washa cay-on."

Heh, it worked to get my two kids to stop making murals. Although Wonderful Daughter used lipstick, not crayon. Glamour girl, even at 3. I have confidence today's generation can grasp the idea as well.

Off to a school BBQ with Wonderful Daughter and Crew. I shall watch what I eat and behave myself beautifully. Not just because there won't be any alcohol served. They hold off on that until junior high.

*PDQ = Pretty Dang Good!

Apidexin, I Love You.

2009-08-19T19:56:00.012-06:00

Well, tomorrow is weigh in day but I'm already noticing a difference. I wore an elastic waisted skirt yesterday and it was turning around on its own. I kept noticing the seams were out of place but being the clever sort, it took me until evening to figure it out. My sweat pants need to be hiked up more often. No plumbers crack here! All in all, I've noticed a difference.

Even if the scale isn't nice to me tomorrow, I feel positive. I have more energy and a definite zippity in my doo-dah.

Not much cardio today... my cleaning partner and I didn't do as many houses as we should have because somehow we lost, erm, I mean mislaid a key for that particular client. It will turn up eventually, but in the meantime, what a pain. Now, tomorrow, we have to run downtown, get a spare key from his receptionist, go clean the home and then run the key right back to him. Then we'll go do our regular houses for the day. Partner is getting married next weekend so she needs more time off to do the last minute stuff. Today when we were locked out, we went shopping for bow ties. Tomorrow should be interesting. She's a little stressed...

We picked up a new client today. She's a referral from her mom who has been an infrequent client. Her house was untidy but not dirty and she worked along with us, putting stuff away as we cleaned. It was great and we got lots accomplished. Usually clients who want to work along are underfoot and in your face but she was great. We wish we were going in more regularly than once per month but it will be great to get her home into the shape she will enjoy.
Today was a surprise for her husband. I hope he noticed everything. She was so excited about her house when we left.

One of my favorite things about this job is meeting nice people who appreciate our efforts. So, I'm looking forward to going back soon. I also can't stop thinking about a bachelor we got last week. He got custody of the cats in the divorce and he needed our services desperately. It will be interesting to go back next week and see how it looks.

Enough about my boring job.

Looking forward to weigh in Thursday tomorrow! Stay tuned.

Sucked In

2009-08-18T15:39:00.002-06:00

Today I spent the day with JC and Wonderful Daughter since Dom is in school.

JC is having some issues with his full-time playmate being gone all day. No to mention Dom gets to go into the building where the fabulous playground is located. It's all extremely unfair in JC's eyes. I can relate. I had sibling envy too.

WD and I miss Dom too but his enthusiasm about being back in school is contagious. We're happy for him. He has already made a best friend although he can't remember his name...

So, we had errands to run and at first JC didn't want to come, he was on the prod. Then, once he was talked into coming he would only ride with Nana. "Wide wif Nana. Naaana. Naaaana."

WD came down the alley in her car since we needed to drop it off at my place so Dar could use it. As soon as JC saw his mother he started up with me. "Go see mom-ee-ah,! Jay-cee need go see mommy. Need see mom-ee-ah Nana, Need See MOMMY!!!"

He's an adorable kid but when he wants something his needle gets stuck in the broken record. He gets louder and louder as he repeats variations on his current theme. Bear in mind, he's three. I have to keep reminding myself too.

So, as we drive along he whines and carries on about his mother. He must have his mommy. He wants out, he wants her to wave, he wants to ride with her. Finally as we pull up to the first traffic light, I turn and ask, "JC do you want to go ride with mommy? I can take you to mommy's car."

Emphatically, "No Nana, no see momm-ee-ah. Ride Tikki. See moofee (movie)."

Okay, I think, problem solved, I called his bluff, now he'll settle down. And he does, riding along quite happily. Until I get onto the busiest street of our commute. Suddenly he starts screaming something new he needs and I can't understand the kid.

"Need Nee-No? (his pet name for Dom)"
screams- "No!"

"Need water?"
screams - "No!"

"What? What do you need JC?" (Nana needs a tylenol)
more screams- "No! No!"

Understanding and dread dawn at the same time, "Need tomach, tomach bwoken!"

I risk a glance backwards and see him clutching his stomach. Oh no, the kid is gonna hurl and we just detailed the van after the gallon of milk leaked everywhere last week.

I frantically try to get WD's attention but she's passed me in traffic. I unroll the windows hoping a bit of fresh air will revive him.

"How's that honey? Are you feeling better?"

Forlornly, "No nana, no beddaw, tomach hurt. Tomach bwoken."

WD is now long gone, lost in traffic. She probably made a break for it, leaving me with a sick kid to barf in my van.

I turn on the A/C full blast, hoping a little cold air will help.

"JC, we're almost at Nana's. Just hold on for a minute okay?"

Tiny, little sick voice, "Okay Nana"

Oh no, he's fading fast, he's got the swine flu, he's got food poisoning, he's got meningitis. No wonder he was screaming. No wonder he wanted his mother.

I draw attention to Tikki, trying to distract him. "Look, Tikki wants to sit on my lap. Do you think a dog knows how to drive JC? Isn`t that silly?"

He doesn't bother to answer.

I glance back. His colour looks okay but he's still clutching his stomach. Moments later we pull into my underground parking. Wonderful Daughter is there, thank goodness. Parked in my stall. Now I get to navigate into her stall on a lower level when time is of the essence.

"Look JC, there's mommy. Mommy is here honey. We'll get you upstairs. You're okay."

Weakly, disbelievingly, "Mommy?" Then, he brightens and screams, "Mommy!"

As I hit the unlock switch, he rolls open his door and runs up the ramp yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! Tikki dwive Nana van!"

I meet her on the ramp and start to explain her youngest son had a near death experience. Sceptically she looks over to where he and Tikki are running laps around the pillars and pronounces him cured.

Sure enough, the rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully. All he needed was the medicine that is his Mom-ee-ah.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Crone Woman!!

2009-08-17T13:05:00.002-06:00

When I was 18, my dad died.

He had been (mis)diagnosed with MS when he was only 19 or 20. So, there he was with 2 little kids, a pretty little wife and what amounted to a death sentence. If he lived very long, he would be wheelchair bound. A "burden to society", having "his butt wiped" for him. This was a man who locked the bathroom door before taking out his bridgework. He found the prospects of nursing care and a permanent disability terrifying.

He had lost his own mother when he was less than 3 years old to an ovarian tumour. Understandably, he freaked out and went a little off the rails upon getting this diagnosis. As a result of his behaviour, he and my mother divorced when I was 18 months old.

At least, this is how I think the story goes. At that time in my personal history, I was busy with potty training and sticking small toys in the dog's ear so my memories are a little hazy.

My mother went off to nursing school and my sister and I lived with my dad's grandparents until she remarried and came back for us when I was 5. Funnily enough, she married one of my dad's best friends and everyone got along great. There was none of the bickering and hatred between them that most divorcing couples experience. I was also young enough to never remember them together.

However, as soon as I was given a chance , I went to live with my dad. That was age 12. I left the ranch we lived on, the small town I'd been raised in, my beloved great grandparents and my siblings to go live in the Okanagan with my dad.

It was worth every sacrifice. He showed me I was of value, I was lovable, funny and I made him happy. My step mother Shirley, was no treat to live with and my step-siblings were weird but it was still worth it. Growing up with such a great guy was worth every price I paid.

Because my mother didn't handle my rejection, defection or my new, happier disposition well, I became permanently estranged from my mom, sister, half sister and brother and it was still worth it.

Unfortunately, the MS that had semi-paralysed him down one side to be a brain tumour after all those years and when he was 39, it killed him.

As of this week, I will have out lived him by 9 years.

The point of this little dissertation, if there is a point is that I'm getting old. Dad never wanted to grow old. He was too afraid of what his future held. But here I am, 48, officially closing on 50 years OLD.

And I love it!

I'll happily turn into a Crone if it means grandsons daily (almost) and a granddaughter a couple hours away.
If it means having an adult daughter to be your partner in crime, grime and everything in between.
(deleted due to Someone's rampant paranoia)
If it means cherished friendships of 20 years and longer.
If it means just getting to this place in time with everything I have and everything I have experienced.

Bring it!!

I am so Smart! S-M-R-T!!

2009-08-16T21:38:00.001-06:00

Well now, I finally took the time to figure out how to post pictures.
A couple years ago, I used to have to type in a special HTML code. Now, in these progressive blogging times, you just click on the photos icon.
What will they think of next? Can putting a man on the moon be far behind?!

Now, I just have to get permission from Wonderful Daughter to put the boys on here. And get a shot of me I'm happy with.

In the meantime... I'll leave you with this.

(Deleted due to the Witness Protection Program)

Me, April 2009. Self portrait I think... the memory fades as we age y'know!

Update....Because I'm just so dang facinating...

2009-08-15T16:20:00.000-06:00

We went out and got a couple of wine kits. A Raspberry Zinfandel for Wonderful Daughter and her Estrogen Crew. Then, a "Bergamais something" for us old folk. Can you tell we're true connoisseurs?!

Then, off to the farmer's market for saffron and tahini. And longing, soulful, drool-y gazes at the Buttercream Bakery booth and the Greek kiosk.
I didn't succumb though. Nor did I pick up any veggies Bag Lady. I'm still working on the pluots, etc.

My big news is, Tikki and I hopped out of the van at a red light a mile from home and walked back. He was so excited to be out walking he was jumping up around my waist. Which, according to our friendly neighborhood guest blogger is 18 inches off the ground...

I think he was happy to be back in my good books again. Yesterday, I came home from a terrible day's work (we walked out of one house because it was a urine-abomination) to discover he had learned to jump onto my bed. Once up there, he helped himself to my latest replacement C-pap mask and ate it. When I take it off in the morning, I stuff it behind the headboard since he's proven if it's on the floor or night table he will chew it up. So, another $150 mask to replace. He must have really worked to haul it out from behind my headboard. Why didn't I get another stoopid, in-bred Samoyed?? I'm weary of having a poodle who outsmarts me at every turn. But, all was forgiven by today.

The rain had cleared up and we had a great walk back. I'm encouraged I was able to get some much needed exercise. Plus I didn't have to haul any of our purchases up from the van. heh. heh.

And, I'm one whole mile closer to the Miami airport.

Whoo Hoo !

Saturday, in the Park...(ahem) in the Drizzle

2009-08-15T13:02:00.001-06:00

Blah, Blah, Blah

That's how I feel today. It's overcast and miserable.

Cousin was halfway here when he saw the weather was cruddy so he turned his bee-yoo-tee-ful motorcycle around in Red Deer and went back home. Man, sensible people bug me!

Actually, I'm glad he decided not to freeze to death to get here. Last visit, when he went home I worried about him riding in the rain.
But, we were really looking forward to seeing him. He's such a great guy. Hopefully he'll make it for a visit before the month is over.

In my opinion, this summer is pretty much over. Dom starts Grade Two on Monday, the 17th. How sick is that? A) that he's old enough for grade 2 B) that he starts school a week earlier than the rest of the city C) that this curtails mid-week outings.

The weather has been the pits this year. It has ruined the summer. Once again we didn't go to the Okanagan for a holiday, choosing instead to stay local and support Wonderful Daughter. That's a-okay with me since I would be seriously choked to be spending money for a holiday in this weather.

We (okay, I) really want spend any holiday money by booking a winter cruise to the Caribbean or somewhere warm. The last (first and only) time we went on one was when W.D. was expecting Dom. So, a looooong time ago. We are due.
W.D. has lost serious weight in the past month. She wisely has done it by eating right and exercising her butt off, literally. She'll look good in a bathing suit on a cruise. I hope to be right beside her, giving dirty looks to non-parent approved men. She is still not rid of the last one.

Heyyyyy, I "just had an epiphany! Lightning just struck my brain... (that must have hurt)". I'm setting myself another goal. I had decided to copy off Dawn at Fixing Myself Thinner and get in 5 hours of exercise this week, not eat after dinner and drink 3 -4 liters of water each day.

New long term goal: I will walk the equivalent of miles to the airport. In Miami.

Oh wow, according to Google maps, that is 4,849 miles. I think my talking pedometer will cuss me out.

oh...wow.

I'm gonna need another ticker. And possibly my head examined.

Day 4 Apidexin - Alice in One derland

2009-08-14T09:13:00.000-06:00

Weigh in day today: 199. Whoo hoo!

That’s a pretty significant loss considering I haven’t really exercised or changed my eating habits. I will have to though, or once the pills are gone, the weight will come back.

My stomach is still pretty bloated. Looks gross and doesn’t feel great. The 3 day detox is taking 6 days because I’m only taking it in the morning. That’s probably the source of my tummy troubles.

Cousin is coming down for the weekend and wants to go to the zoo.

Off to work now. Only 2 houses today.

Try to behave while I’m gone...and No Fighting.

Thursday, Day 3 Apidexin

2009-08-13T09:25:00.000-06:00

Well, I missed a day of blogging because Wonderful Daughter and I made a trade. Did you miss me?

I left her my laptop and Tikki. In return I took Thing 1 and Thing 2 for a "pleep-over" as JC calls it. I think I made the best deal. The boys spent nearly an hour playing in the tub. They took the tall cups I used to wash their hair and made sodas. They filled up the cup with bath water and topped it with bubbles. It was tons of fun until Dom convinced JC to drink the soda. Then there were tears. Plenty of tears.
I have to admit I chuckled a little. I remember my sister convincing me the pretty bath oil beads were special gum balls. That brat! Not to mention the time she convinced me chewing tobacco was beef jerky. Is it any wonder I have food issues to this day?!

So Apidexin Day 2 was good. A tiny amount of food was very filling. In fact my stomach was bloating just from the food I did eat. Or, that could be a side effect of the detox pills I'm to take the first 72 hours. Anyways, I drank lots of water and had a really good day. No shakes or other problems.

My only issue was difficulty sleeping. That could be because JC was crying for his mommy and ended up sleeping in our room while I bunked out on the couch. It was way too hot to sleep even though it wasn't hot outside. Of course I missed my sleep apnea C-pap as well, but the heat was the worst.
When I was 27 I was put into total menopause after surgery but I think I'm getting it again. With the night sweats and all the other assorted fun. Guess it's because I stopped the hormone replacement therapy a couple of years ago. It was great fun the first time, the second just seems so much better...or is that bitter?

Who ever said life was fair?

Day 1 Apidexin

2009-08-11T22:18:00.000-06:00

So, my long awaited pills finally came in the mail today. I’m not sure why I had to pay $16 shipping and then another $10 C.O.D. when they arrived. Pretty expensive delivery. If they work, I will be ordering larger quantities to make it more worthwhile next time.

I chose these pills because they have the most natural ingredients of any out there and are highly rated by all the diet sites. They have brown kelp which is supposed to be really good as well. Oh, and not much caffeine. Just by looking at me, you’d never guess I’m such a health nut. *snort*

At the best of times I shake like a wino due to my bad nerves, so I didn’t want anything that would make me twitch more. I worry that complete strangers would be trying to shove a popsicle stick between my teeth to protect me during what would be interpreted as a seizure. If I’m lucky it would just be a popsicle stick and not a branch off a nearby tree.

So, the Apidexin experiment:
I took one pill with a lot of water and then had breakfast about 40 minutes later. I couldn’t finish my cereal. I was just too full. Tikki was thrilled as the most he ever gets is one or two Cheerios.
At lunch time I had another pill, then 30 minutes later a bit of tuna and a pluot. As well as a lot of water. I was stuffed again. Dinner was 1 1/3 cup of pasta and 1 cup of Caesar salad. Not the best choice but Dar ordered it in while I was having a nap.

I wasn’t feeling the best. I think it’s the detox pills that came with the Apidexin. Wonderful Daughter and I had gone to run some errands this afternoon and I wasn’t feeling quite right so I laid down when I got back. Since I was able to fall right to sleep, (once Tikki was persuaded to stop barking at nothing) I don’t think there is much caffeine in these pills.

I didn’t get to the swimming pool. Again. Or out for a walk. Again.
But, I did watch what I ate and drank plenty of water. So, all in all, I consider it a good day. The only thing is, I feel weird. Stop it. I mean Weirder than usual. My skin feels like it’s in place but the flesh underneath feels like it is quivering, like gelatin.

Hopefully this feeling goes away soon. Along with the fat...

Weigh In Monday

2009-08-10T22:18:00.000-06:00

I just want to go on record as wondering why the heck I made Mondays the weigh in day?
What was I thinking? What am I running around this place? The Marquis de Sade Weight Loss Clinic and Motivational Centre?

Usually the weekends are busy with friends and family and eating goes along with that. Monday is brutal to have to account for the debauchery* of the weekend.

The weigh in this morning was a non-event. No loss but of course, more importantly no gain. And, once again no pills in the mail, danggit,

I think my meds are out of whack since I felt really blah today and spent most the day in bed.
If I had a water bed I could have done a few laps and met my swimming goal. So, I took more meds and hope it all equals out soon. I hate feeling this way. And I'm sure it's no picnic for those around me.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. I'm off again so will try to get the swimming in then.
TTFN

*By debauchery I of course mean sitting around, visiting and drinking cosmos and wine. Along with some quality grandson time.

Inspiration found

2009-08-09T22:09:00.000-06:00

“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live." Visit Mr. Marston at http://www.greatday.com/

I found that while surfing and it really spoke to me. Let go of the blame.
Often I feel I'm the scapegoat, the whipping boy. This negativity has to stop since I tend to console myself with food.

This is MY journey. I decide what to pack and carry on my back. I want to travel the pathway to fulfillment.

Today I walked 40 minutes with Tikki. Over 4,000 steps according to the pedometer. I was going to go out again this evening but fell into another funk so I didn't go.

Tomorrow is weigh in day and a new start. I signed up for an online program to track exercise and food intake. I need to decide what my caloric bank amount will be. I don't have work scheduled for tomorrow, I'm going to go swimming at least 30 minutes.

- exercise a minimum of 60 minutes
- drink a minimum of 1 gallon of water
-take my meds

Accountability.

Movie In The Park

2009-08-09T01:39:00.000-06:00

Late post tonight...or is it morning? Just got home.

I was extremely good at the funeral luncheon. Everything looked delicious and the table must have been 30 feet long. It was crammed full of delicious appetizers, cold cut platters and veggie trays. Michelle made her sister promise not to let them serve little sandwiches if she ever had a funeral and there wasn't one sandwich there.

We had a chance to visit with old friends we hadn't seen in years and catch up on all the news. Thanks to my little pill, I got through the whole thing and only cried at appropriate moments. "Better living through chemistry" I always say. Michelle's mom read a poem she had written and it just tore your heart out. This was a very close family and they are taking it real hard. Not that death is ever easy, but she was only 42.

Tonight, Wonderful Daughter, MIL and I took the little boys to Movie in the Park to see Monsters versus Aliens. It's great family fun with a bounce house, miniature golf putting, temporary tattoo parlor, hula-hoop contests, guitar hero contests and a cheesy magician. It's always held near a playground and the kids have an absolute ball.

MIL and I hit the dollar store earlier this week and bought glow in the dark bracelets, necklaces and finger flashlights, I mean "lasers". We also bought a zillion sparklers with the intention of handing them out to all the kids who come to these things. Unfortunately, I accidentally packed the nearly empty BBQ lighter and we couldn't even get one of the sparklers lit.

But, the glow in the dark stuff was handy for keeping an eye on the little guys. We made necklaces and put a finger flashlight on it so all we had to do was turn our head to see where they were instead of going over every few minutes. And it sure was nice to have a small light when visiting the porta potty. Would have been even nicer to have hand sanitizer but we'll be better prepared next time. We handed out a few bracelets and necklaces to children around us and even made a necklace for the cute little Shih Tzu beside us. His person was thrilled.

JC had a great time on the playground, particularly the slide. Wonderful Daughter and I played train with him going down the slide. Then, later he fell asleep on my lap. He's getting so big, it was bittersweet to hold him knowing this might be the last summer he does that.

Shortly after the movie began, there was a scene where the heroine is smacking the heck out of Dr. Cockroach. Suddenly there was a loud "Pop" which I thought was part of the movie. Just as I thought, "Wow, great sound quality" the screen deflated in on itself. It turns out, because there are small leaks in the inflatable screen, they have to reinflate it every 15 minutes or so.

This time, (to the relief of the rest of the crew) the boss was manning the pump and he didn't get back to turn off the pump quickly enough. It tore an 18 foot long hole in the top of the screen. Dom just started wailing when it happened and everyone turned to look at us. I guess overly emotional crying at inappropriate times runs in the family. Fortunately, the movie people had their storage place nearby so within 30 minutes they had a new screen up and the movie back on.

On the way home, we asked Dom what was the best part of the movie. He announced it was when the screen blew up.

I guess it's just a matter of perspective.

After a tough couple days, I'm going to get my rear in gear tomorrow. I've been working on changing my perspective too.

Blue Friday

2009-08-07T22:13:00.000-06:00

Not much funny today. I was doing better right after work but have low energy now.

There's a reason I'm the fifth sparrow. Somedays I feel it.

Thanks Wonderful Daughter for coming to help clean my place tonight. It's like the shoe maker's kids going barefoot around here. The cleaning lady's house is a sty.
Katie, you rock the cash bar. And you're getting to be a skinny wench. Keep it up!

Refilled my prescriptions and got a little something so I can go to the funeral tomorrow. First one I'll attend in the past 5 years. Hope I can pull it off. The last 2 I went to, I became so distraught I think people thought I was the widow. And I was only there to support a good friend. I'd never laid eyes on the deceased... Embarrassing much?

Memories of Michelle today... when she moved here from back East, she wanted cleaning jobs so I gave her the name of an old client who always had to have a maid service since her home was 9,000 sq. ft. , Yup, that wasn't a typo. 9 freaking thousand square feet. There was a developed basement as well. With a dance floor. And Michelle did the house all on her own.

So, Michelle shows up for work one day after a few months of working at this house and the lady of the manor says, "Y'know we had a party here on the weekend and we couldn't help but notice, there was a layer of dust on the top of the chandelier in the dining room."

Now, Michelle doesn't miss a beat. She replies, "Wow, that must have been some exciting party!"

Heh. Heh. Heh. Spunky, Sassy and Classy.

I can't believe I'm gonna go bake cupcakes for her funeral now. This sucks.

Goal for today

2009-08-06T10:28:00.000-06:00

I've decided to copy some of the things Dawn at Fixing Myself Thinner does. She has had amazing sucess.

So, today I am going to:

1) Wear my new pedometer
2) Measure 2 walking routes with the car
3) Drink at least a gallon of water
4) Stay close to the bathroom

More later.

Perspective

2009-08-05T18:12:00.000-06:00

I need to lose weight now. Right freaking now!

I didn't mention it before but I went to my doctor about chest pains and I have stress tests booked for next month.

I came home from one of the worst days we have had cleaning and was going to rant about the $65 parking ticket I got and all the out of sequence red lights I hit adding valuable time to my commute across the city. And my back.

Then, I got home and checked my email. One of our friends we have kind of lost touch with has unexpectedly passed away. She went for a walk and never came back. They found her dead in a park, apparent heart attack.

She weighs about what I do.

She was quite a bit younger. I'm only 48.

No more putzing around. I owe it to my family.

I'm going to go hug my hubby, call Wonderful Daughter and the grandboys and then I'm gonna find an online eating plan.

Dangnabbit

2009-08-04T10:38:00.001-06:00

Well, crud. I’m up 2 lbs. Back to 204.

I’m determined not to get down about this and go on a binge. Right now, I’m having a cup of green tea.

Hmmm, bright side, bright side...

I did get off the couch and walk more.

My back seems loads better so the torn muscle must be healing nicely.

I didn’t eat like an idiot and backslide even more.

I didn’t regain all 4 pounds I’d lost.

In fact, I’ll bet this is actually muscle!

Yeah, that’s it! I’m on my way to buffness.
Whoo Hoo!

On another note. It poured down rain all night long and it is still coming down steadily although the animals are no longer pairing up. When I got up, I quickly pulled on a skirt, tank top, flip flops and hubby’s rain jacket. As we walked down the busy road I live beside, I was too close to the roadway, lost in my own thoughts.

A cement truck hit a large puddle and soaked my legs, feet and pink poodle. I’ll bet that cracked up the motorists around me.
Hopefully it made someone’s day. I know I sure thought it was funny.

Tikki, not so much.

What, You're Still Reading This Stuff?

2009-08-03T21:50:00.000-06:00

Well, I’m not ready for a serious update yet. But I will say I have tried hard to be more aware of what I am eating. And why.
Mindless consuming seems to be my biggest issue but bad food choices rank right up there too.

We were more active than usual thanks to Cousin’s visit. Tikki definitely benefited. We did take Cousin to Peter’s Drive In before he hopped on his motorcycle and rode back home. A trip to our fair city is not complete without a trip to Peter’s. But I didn't polish off the left-over french fries and onion rings. I threw them out.

Cousin froze on the way home but at least he beat the rainstorm that descended within a couple hours of his departure. Cold isn't great but soaking wet is miserable! Especially at 110 km per hour.

He plans to be back in 2 weeks so we’re all looking forward to that. Maybe I will even have a noticeable weight loss by then. We will even get some fun activities lined up. And the crap room cleaned up. And achieve world peace.

I always wonder what to say when a big person loses a small amount of weight. Let’s see, I started at 206, lost 4 lbs so now what do you say?

“You’re a rake, baby!”
“Careful you don’t lose too much!”
“As it turns out, you don’t have 'such a pretty face'.”

Anyhoo, I will weigh in tomorrow with real numbers. I also promise you, the whole world wide web, in addition to all my other pledges which, let's face it, may or may not come to fruition, this week I will learn to post photos. And edit my previous posts so they are all the same font and text size. And clean up the typos. And that world peace thingy too.
No, really, I will.

If my calculations are correct, my apidexin should be here by Aug. 8th.

Look Out Internet!
There's a skinny girl trapped in here, dying to get out. I should know, I'm the one who ate her.

Driving Miss Nana – Crazy.

2009-08-02T23:35:00.000-06:00

Last night, Tikki the Toy Poodle decided to push my buttons. ALL my buttons.

When you live in a teeny tiny condo, every inch of space is considered for storage. The electric frying pan is stored in the oven, every shelf has a decorative box o’crud, there are hooks and bins and I keep bringing home innovative ironing board hangers, organizing gizmos and plate stackers.

I can’t afford a Murphy bed so I`ve been diligently working with the grandsons to teach them to sleep in an upright position in the front closet when they come to stay over. Can you blame me? Otherwise I’d have to brave the horror, tidy and restack the cartons o’crud in the spare room so we could open the sofa bed.

The space under our bed is filled with clever Rubbermaid totes, more decorative boxes and some pictures I’ve been waiting to hang once the building settles.
So what if we’ve been here 5 years, it’s too soon to hang stuff up, I tell ya.

It`s been so long since I`ve gotten down to look under there I really don`t remember what is contained in those boxes or what the pictures are of. I only remember it is all Good Stuff I can’t live without. Forget the fact the antique Roadshow never comes to Canada and that none of it is even an antique. It is irreplaceable, valuable stuff and I. Must. Keep. It. All.

Last night when it had finally cooled off to 120 billion degrees, Tikki patiently waited until I had nearly fallen asleep before he implemented his plan to rid me of any vestiges of sanity I might have.

He wiggled a space between two underbed Rubbermaid containers, then delighted me with his Buddy Rich imitations in 20 minute sets. He mixed it up by drumming on first one, then the other, then playing the bottom of the box spring like cymbals.

He was right in the middle of the bed and I couldn’t reach him. And he’s too smart to fall for any amount of coaxing or bribing.

Me: (whispering ) Tikki, what the heck? Get out from under there!

(surprisingly, he does not obey)

Me: (stage whisper) Tikki, c’mon it’s 1:30 already. Get out here.

(more frenzied drumming)

Me: (sugary, wheedling tone ) Ti-key, C’mere sweetheart, c’mon. Who’s a good little guy? Huh, who is? You are, yessss you are. C’mon sweetie.

(box spring solo)

Me: (hissing angrily while peering under the bedskirt) Tikki, you miserable little mutt, get out here.

(predictably, a short intermission is called while the misunderstood poodle retreats further and sulks under the far side of the bed.)

Me: (approvingly) (foolishly) Good Boy!

42.3 seconds later the joyous frenzy of drumming begins again.

Me: (bedside light on) Aw, Tikki...come off it. C’mere. Let’s go to sleep. (snaps fingers in an encouraging manner.

Tikki: What?! Just because I am French she thinks she can click zee feen gares like so and I will be at her side like, like, you would summon a waitare? I am zee arteest and I must play !

Me: (attempting to lie on floor in spite of my broken buttocks and look under bed) Listen dog, or Snoop Dog or whoever you think you are. Knock it off. Come out here now mister

At one point, I even disconnected my C-pap mask and allowed the air to blow beside the bedskirt in an effort to lure him out. He loves playing with (destroying) my machine.

No dice.
Nothing worked and these scenes were repeated at varying intervals.
He’d stop for a few minutes, I’d relax and then he’d think of someone else to dedicate a number to.
I was considering homicide, suicide, pesticide...

Finally as 2:45 a.m. approached, I played my trump card. I engaged the ultimate weapon. It was desperate times, I took desperate measures.

I sicc’d the Wonderful Daughter on him.

Less than 3 minutes after I gently roused her from slumber by flicking on the overhead light in the spare room, she had him out from under the bed, the containers pushed back together to discourage any encores and the Artist Formerly Known as Tikki was confined to his kennel.

In the bathroom.

With the door shut.

And the exhaust fan on.

She is truly deserving of her pseudonym.

*edited to add*
Tikki wanted me to mention he is accepting bookings for weddings, graduations and bachelorette parties

Saturday, In the Park

2009-08-01T23:48:00.000-06:00

We had an unexpected call from one of our cousins late Friday evening. He was riding his motorcycle through the city, just a few kilometres from the southern city limits when he ran over a nail* and his rear tire blew out. He was travelling at 110 km per hour at the time. Fortunately, he was able to keep the bike up and stay on the road. He could have easily been killed.

Unfortunately, because it is a long weekend, every garage the tow truck driver took him to was locked up tight. Since we have a secured parking garage, he called to ask if they could bring the bike here.

We were delighted to hear from him and more than happy to have him come and visit. The only problem is, since we have him, we don’t want to let him go again. The bike is fixed and he would like to continue on to Waterton National Park to meet up with his friends. But, we are all enjoying his company so much we wish he would stay a few more days.

We might have reached a compromise and he will stop back in overnight on his way back. He is one of the few cousins who ever comes to visit and we just adore him. He is 4 months younger than Wonderful Daughter so they have loads in common. She happily dragged him around the mall for a few hours this afternoon. I was thrilled not to have to go shopping. He was less than thrilled to be taken into a lingerie store but, given enough time and some shock therapy I think he'll be just fine.

Tonight we went to have a BBQ with our oldest friends. Not that they are old, but we have been close friends for 21 years. They are both so hospitable and would happily give you the shirt right off their back. No question asked. However, we are all getting older, greyer and wrinkly so removing a shirt is not a request any of us would make lightly.

We were bottling a Piesporter wine Gordon had made. It turned out quite nice. I really liked it and found it very smooth.
I don’t have a fancy palate for wine but it’s fun to make and try the various kinds. I know hooch and the stuff we make is pretty good. We filter it before bottling and that seems to help.

Dinner was fantastic, as always. Penelope is a fabulous cook and it’s always a treat to sit at her table. I was a very good girl again and only had a small slice of her cheesecake. Even though it was, beyond a doubt the best cheesecake I've had in years. She made two desserts. She always incorporates fruit into at least one dessert. Penelope loves to eat healthy. I wanted to take her a flat of pluots but Costco, in a unprecedented attempt to make money, sold all their pluots to others before I got there. Cheeky!

While the guys bottled the wine, we ladies did everything we could to assist them by sitting at the kitchen table and playing Trivial Charades. It’s a new game we just made up tonight. Basically, you play Trivial Pursuit and if the other player doesn’t know the answer and cannot discern your clever clues, you then act it out. We laughed our fool heads off and got so silly we could hardly read the cards.
Before you jump to conclusions, we were drinking tea, tonic water, tap water or Diet Coke. It was a blast!

The weather has been very hot and we are just so happy to spend this Heritage Day weekend with family and friends. How has your weekend been?

*editied to add: apparently Cousin ran over 2 nails at seperate locations on the Deerfoot. Scary.

Sweating like An Oldie

2009-07-31T16:43:00.000-06:00

I wasn’t good with the walking yesterday but I did manage to get out and do some grocery shopping, make a nice family dinner for my in-laws and I was careful what I ate.

I was also very, very good last night ignoring the voices. And.... (drumroll) I only ate one piece of key lime pie even though it is one of my faves. So all in all, I was pretty pleased with the day. Pleased enough to step on the scale this morning and discover I lost (kettledrum drum roll) 4 whole pounds.The apidexin hasn't arrived yet but this is a good start.

Shirley still looks to be the same size but I worked her good today. Since people in my fair city are not interested in working as a residential cleaning lady for the mere pittance we pay, ($20 per hour) we are short-staffed. Wonderful Daughter and I worked along with my regular cleaning partner.

One of our gals quit with no notice after we had the audacity to inquire why she felt she should skip all the dusting in a client’s home and leave 40 minutes early. In fairness to the ex-worker, Wonderful Daughter was also consumed with a burning desire to know whether it was a rag from the toilet or just what exactly she used on the client’s mirrors.

Anyways, she had a “come-apart” as they so delicately call it in the South and told us exactly what we could do with all our cloths, whether they'd been dunked in the toilet or not. So, today with the high temperature of 26, we worked.

We began at 7:40 a.m. at the first home in the far SE sector of the city. It was a move out with the new owners showing up at 11:30 so cupboards, appliances, windows and all needed to be done. Quickly.
We think perhaps the house had been a rental since a butter knife with the unmistakeable signs of having been used to hot-knife hash was found. That’s not to say homeowners don’t imbibe. Just not usually.

The next home was 42 km away and we spent a little extra time at the move out, so we were already running late. The next one is a regular client’s home but it is 2,600 sq. Ft. And her Mother-In-Law is coming for the baby’s first birthday party tomorrow. So MAJOR Cleaning commenced.

If I do say so myself, it looked spectacular when we left. I even have a special little tool I use to brush each fringe on oriental carpets out. So, unless the mother in law was going into closets, it should be a happy day for everyone tomorrow.

It’s funny how much you “know” about people just from cleaning their homes. This client is a real jewel and I love doing her home. I just wonder what her adorable little guy is going to get for his third birthday in 2 more years because it appears he has everything now.

Wonderful Daughter spent a delightful 2 minutes checking out a ball popping toy that looked like a ton of fun.
I sure don’t remember stuff like that from when I was a kid. Silly Putty was a big, big deal. I tried eating mine and that’s probably why I don’t recall many of my other toys.

We grabbed a quick bite of lunch and then it was on to the next home. Except ,Wonderful Daughter staged a mutiny. It seems the next client was only expecting us if we could make it today and surprise... we couldn’t.

My regular partner backed her up totally, the disloyal wench! Since I have been trying to rehab a ripped muscle in the gluteal region (yeah that’s right, I broke my butt a couple weeks ago), I wasn’t as unhappy as I tried to pretend. They have worked with me enough to sense I wasn’t truly upset at the change in plans. Apparently, the maniacal giggling gave me away.

Wonderful Daughter is spending the long weekend with us because her boys have gone away with my in-laws. She kept me up until after 3 a.m. while we surfed the ‘net, giggled and visited. It was so nice to get a chance to catch up with her since I only see her 3 or 4 times every freaking week.

Still, we always have a ton of fun together and it was just great for her to have a break from single parenthood and the other outside stresses her life is plagued with.

Tonight, we are going to torment Dar, drink Cosmos and read. She treated me to the 5 book trilogy of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy so, other than a BBQ with friends tomorrow night, they can expect to see only the top of my head until they put me and broken down old Shirley to bed.

Guest Post - The Wonderful Daughter

2009-07-31T02:13:00.000-06:00

Hello, all. Ok, none yet. I have hacked into Mom's email account (not a hard task at all), because I wish to clarify a few things.
Mom makes herself sound like an absolute heifer, which she is actually not. She is fat. I'll go as far as obese, but I worry that people are going to read her descriptions and think she's a disgusting 600lb woman who can't take care of basic hygiene because of the weight.
This is not true, but I know it's the impression you get, because it's the impression I got reading her posts, and I know better.

Basically, she's a 210lb shortie whose descriptive skills leave much to be desired.

Apparently she`s going to post some pics with her head cut off. In the picture only, duh. She's not going to go all post Ann Boelyn on us, she just wants some accountability. I'm all for this, and will probably be the one behind the camera, and who walks her through how to display them here. I may go as far as to teach her how to photoshop Anna Nicole Smith's head onto them, we'll see.

Now, I know there will be haters when this blog gets read by someone. I know these haters will post anon rude comments. You should know that this crap will be deleted, and Ill make sure Mom doesn't read that crap first. I will do anything I can to protect her, and very least of that will include hacking in and deleting your insults before she can be hurt by them. So save us all some time and don't bother, k?

What Big...um, er, Eyes you have Grandma.

2009-07-29T19:10:00.002-06:00

I took Tikki for 2 nice walks so far today. Funny how he didn`t bark at anyone except the slender, beautiful blonde who walked by on the other side of the street. I wonder if he picked up his love of looking at the ladies from Dar?

I’ve never been worried about my man who wants to look at other women, as long as he wants to come home to me. We all look, why not be honest about it?

I recall as a kid, going to visit my dad in the Okanagan and he would slo-o-owly cruise by the beach, looking at the “lake conditions” as he termed it. Then, he would laugh so I always knew what he was really interested in.

In later years, I lived with him by now and we were watching an awards show, probably the Academy Awards. Raquel Welch walked the red carpet with her hair piled up and styled into an intricate, ornate work of art.

She also had on a dress that was slit to her navel.

Me: “Wow, Dad! Did you see Raquel Welch’s hair? Wasn’t that something? Did you see her hair? I wonder how long it took to do it like that. Dad? Did you see it?”
Dad: “Hair? Hell, I didn’t even notice she had a head!”

So looking at the ladies is not discouraged around here. However, there was an exception made for our oldest grandson, Dom. When he was 3 I had to go get a new swimsuit. This would be classified as a Level 8 Catastrophic Event.

After wandering around the mall with Someone and Dom, I was ready to cry. I hate shopping at the best of times and a Level 8 occurrence could hardly be mistaken as one of the best of times.

Nothing looked right, fit right, felt right. It was a good thing we were going to a lake, otherwise I’d have to acquaint myself with the whale watching tour times so I could get out of the water.

Finally we went into Additionelle. They make clothes for real women with boobs and butts and curves. Big curves.

Dom was getting tired of being dragged from store to store and wasn’t listening very well so I took him into the change room with me. He amused himself by climbing all over and hiding under the changing room bench until he finally looked up to see what I was doing.

He exclaimed, surprised, “Nana! You’re naked!”

Then, after looking me up and down, (in his clearest piping voice), “And... and ... you`re FAT!

The entire changing room erupted into laughter. And he was firmly discouraged from looking at the ladies for a few more years.

Now, 4 years later, he has pledged his troth to Jayda but should he chose to follow the family tradition, he has to follow the same ground rules as any man I might be married to.

1) Look,
2) Don't comment,
3) Don't give yourself whiplash.
4) Or drive up onto the curb. Oh wait, that's only a rule for a husband.

Kids say the darndest things, indeed.

Purple Water and Pink Poodles

2009-07-29T00:07:00.003-06:00

Hey, maybe writing this down and being accountable to the entire Internet is helping...

Tonight, I had my "last treat".

A Pecan Mudslide from Dairy Queen which is my all time favorite. The fact that I'm lactose intolerant and will, therefore, be as sick as a dog by morning didn't slow me down at all.

I ignored the voices a few minutes ago and actually dug through the pantry, past all the goodies, to find the Acai berry powder to put into my water bottle. Pretty purple water. It smells funky though. Maybe I left it in there too long?

When I'm dead tomorrow, don't blame DQ y'all.

Now then. About the pink poodle. I did a ton of research on dog breeds and finally decided I wanted a toy poodle. The criteria was that the dog be small enough not to need a ton of exercise but large enough to walk a ways and withstand a bit of roughhousing with my two grandsons.

Oh, and it had to be smart enough to train. Poodles are the SECOND smartest of all dog breeds. Only Border Collies are higher ranked. We once owned a beautiful Samoyed that was so inbred it couldn't learn the most basic command.

So, after all the hours (days) of research I went to Magrath on April 19th to pick up my wonderful pup, Tikki the Toy Poodle. I immediately sent for some proper dog books from the Dog Whisperer and read half of "Be the Pack Leader". All very sage advice and I was prepared to raise the perfectly behaved and well adjusted dog.

Unfortunately, being the lazy piece of baggage I tend to be, I let all his training slide and now have a spoiled little 5 month old puppy. Who I have currently dyed (with Kool-Aid) a pretty candy floss pink.

Last night after dinner I noticed some unusual activity over at my kitchen island. I had left some smokies there after barbequing them, and in typical lazy fashion, hadn`t put them away or done the dishes yet.

I could hear a scrabbling noise on the hardwood floor but since the couch is in front of the island, I couldn't see what was going on. Suddenly, it appeared,

A pink poodle head.

Then it disappeared.

And immediately reappeared.

Tikki was jumping for the plate of food. He is 13 inches high. The counter is 38 inches high and he was jumping straight up in the air and clearing it! He just couldn`t figure out how to get the plate from the middle of the island. Yet.

I could write volumes on all of his little antics. They`re not all as cute as you would assume the antics of a pink poodle would be, either. Like the time he ate my two-hundred dollar C-Pap mask as well as eating a hole in the replacement mask 10 minutes after I unwrapped it. Or when he dug holes in our custom-made living room set. I've seen dorm furniture in better shape.

Tonight when Tikki was running around and tearing things up in our little teeny condo Someone I have been married to for the past 29 years said, "He`s not really working out, is he?"

That Broke. My. Heart. since I know it's me who has let everyone down.

Tomorrow, sore back or not, I`m taking that poodle for a couple of nice long walks. It will get some of the P & V out of him and some of the calories burned off of me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'd better get off the computer.

Tikki wants to check his e-mail and update his Facebook account.

**word to the wise, you cannot keep Acai powder indefinitely. It goes musty.
And tastes like butt.

Call of the Wild

2009-07-28T14:51:00.000-06:00

I try to be good.

Honest, I do try. But, around 9 or 10 at night my resolve wavers when I start to hear the voices.
Not the voices in my head.

No, really.

These are different voices.

They come from the kitchen, from the direction of the pantry to be precise. From the goodies residing in there. The crème filled cookies, the licorice, the tortilla chips, the eagle brand milk, the cinnamon hearts, the chocolate chips, the microwave popcorn. They all keep calling to me. Softly at first, then more insistently.

“Nana.”
“Nana?”
“Nana, don’t you feel like having a cookie?”
“How about just one?”
“C’mon how about a nice, sweet coconut crème cookie?”

A few minutes later.

“Nana?”
“Nana?”
“A cookie. An ULTIMATE coconut crème filled cookie.”
“There’s lots."

"A whole box."

"How about just one measly delicious coconut cookie?”

Silence.

Then,
“Did we mention we are sweet?”
“ And delicious?”
“ And coco...”

ALRIGHT, shut up! I’ll have two okay? That ought to shut you up. There, I ate two. Happy now? Shut up, I’m reading.

A little bit later.

“Nana”
“Nana?”
“Nana, don’t you feel like a handful of tortilla chips?”

And on and on it goes until I have grazed through a few handfuls of chips. With sour cream. More cookies, some raisins, a whole bag of microwave popcorn and three or five pieces of licorice, some cheezies and a couple of Hot Rods.

Finally, when I am stuffed and more than a bit sick from all the junk I’ve eaten I think there will now be silence.

Until the voices start. From the fridge.

“Nana? I think there’s a left over smokie from supper.”
“How about some nice Greek salad?”
“Nana?”
“Nana?!”

I feel like my stomach is Audrey II begging and crying for me to "feed me".

Funny how there aren’t any voices coming from the closet where my runners or the dog’s leash reside. Nothing in there demands my immediate attention or insists on being taken out and enjoyed.

And those vegetables going soft in the crisper? Not a freaking peep out of them either.

I'm going to make myself a tinfoil hat to block their transmissions. That'll fix them all.

I’m going out on a limb here. I think I have an eating disorder.

It’s called gluttony.

Now Serving Number 206

2009-07-27T01:04:00.001-06:00

When I was little, we lived with my great-grandparents while our parents divorced and Mom went to nursing school. I remember having bubble baths with my older sister. We'd soap up our animal shaped sponges and create "lanolin" like we'd seen on TV commercials. We'd slather it on while she talked in funny voices and did her own commercials.

Pretty soon, she`d get even crazier and funnier. The suds and splashes would start to fly. I would laugh my head off when she would do the bakery lady voice. I was a great audience and she was a natural comedian.

She would grab the rolls of chub on her tummy and tell me they were rolls of bread dough, waiting to be put in the oven and baked up for the next customer. She had two rolls to offer as I recall. She`d have a whole routine going with the different types of bread and arguing who ordered what. She made it all so funny and wonderful.

She was older, wiser, funnier and she had bread rolls. I was plain, scrawny and totally lacking in the rolls department. How I looked up to her. I wanted some rolls to offer up for comic hilarity too. sadly, I couldn`t even pull enough loose skin to make a small bun. It just wasn't fair!

What's that old saying, "Be careful what you wish for, it might come true."?

Fast forward 40+ years and I have my wish.

In spades, baby.

My body is no longer a temple, I turned it into a freaking bakery. A bakery owned by a pleasant Chinese family since there are at least 3 Chins hanging around here. I don`t have to wish for any bread rolls, I have a full selection. No to mention several other sections.

There's the Crave cupcakes section, the Ultimate Coconut cookie section, the new buttermilk cake recipe section, the stuff made with Eagle Brand milk section and a whole lot more.

My butt has gotten so humongous I named it. Shirley. My sweaters lie on it like a shelf.

I have thighs that would catch fire from the friction if I ever had to run anywhere. I have chest pains even when I`m standing on the scale.

Currently, I weigh 206 lbs.

Which really sucks since I'm only 5 foot 2. I wanted to do an online search for my BMI but I`m afraid if I key in my particulars, I`d get links to Ringling Bros or Barnum and Bailey for a fat lady job.

So, today I ordered some help in the form of Apidexin. It`s not an answer, it`s a kick start.

The next round of the fat loss battle will be fought here. Since I plan on becoming accountable to the whole Internet, I`ll actually have to do something about the bakery that I have become.

Putting down the cookie now and moving on down the street.

Nothing to see here.